Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[HeartOfChaos]

Dude, you are ready to throw everything into the deal despite (according to your own view of things) having done a fairly good job of managing the relationship, and her being ready to throw that all away (as well as not having done a great job of following your lead before that).

This on its own should be enough to tell you that your mind is nowhere near the right spot.

I have no doubt if she opened up the smallest possibility of getting back together, you'd do just about anything to make that happen. And the chances of her respect for you surviving that would be super low.

I didn't say I did a fairly good job, I think I did ok in some aspects and I admit I didn't do well in others, the ones that were important to her especially given background and social expectations.... I did not put enough weight on that, to be blunt I simply did not pay attention, it was a mistake and I will have no problem saying that to her...

She followed my lead and went along with everything I suggested, just she could not stick to anything. By her own admission she gives up too easily and is very impatient with everything. I saw this first hand. I was trying to mold her a bit but it's tough. As she put it, "I am a bit of a brat...I like everything to be handled for me..."

I am not ready to throw everything into the deal. Far from it. Living with her, as I wrote, was something I was thinking about and I was getting closer to suggesting this possibility to her myself not long before break up. I myself was feeling to take a chance and see how it works out, because I was realising myself it's time to move things forward. And I felt like moving in with her could be a positive development for myself and my own experience. But this is all theoretical anyway, because I have no idea if her parents would have allowed that.

I am not entirely clueless on these things and realised that more progress is needed soon.

The simple fact is: I was trying to make progress from the "inner" personal prospective with her for a while, I wanted to move things forward in general, I did not go about it well and not fast enough, things stalled for a bit due to her coming and going, and all the other shit in my life also meant I couldn't just go "all in". I tried what I could given the circumstances, I admit it wasn't a great attempt but nonetheless I gave her more on a personal intimate level than all other previous girls I had, and I pointed this out to her on the break up day.

I would expect her to participate more and be more active in certain aspects, convert to my religion in the long run or at least try to raise children to be spiritual...Some other stuff... So def not "throwing everything into the deal", far from it, and plenty of discussion of this nature to be had...Granted I should have discussed this before already...

If you got this far this time, you can do a bit better next time.

I'd say from society's standards, given that 2 other women before wanted to marry me and even move countries because for me, I'd done better before already. Alas those women were not suitable for me in other ways.

 

[Will_V]

She followed my lead and went along with everything I suggested, just she could not stick to anything.

That's a contradiction in terms.

By her own admission she gives up too easily and is very impatient with everything. I saw this first hand. I was trying to mold her a bit but it's tough. As she put it, "I am a bit of a brat...I like everything to be handled for me..."

You are excusing her failings/laziness/poor attitude, for what reason? Simply because she's 'lse'?

I am not ready to throw everything into the deal. Far from it. Living with her, as I wrote, was something I was thinking about and I was getting closer to suggesting this possibility to her myself not long before break up. I myself was feeling to take a chance and see how it works out, because I was realising myself it's time to move things forward.

Living together does not fix anything, quite the contrary. It's wonderful for a few weeks fucking every morning and night, but then you start to get sick of eachother's farts, sexual excitement nosedives, arguments increase, your life together starts becoming a negotiation of chores, and you wish you had more time alone.

I lived with my girl for 1.5 years, and I would be very hesitant to do it again unless there was a good reason (like kids or something).

Her constant coming and going stalled things too.

Is this not another sign of poor commitment? Women will find a way to be with you when they really want you, one way or another. Her coming and going all the time is a big red flag. I'm sure she had the best of reasons but that doesn't change the fact that if she wanted to stay she would've stayed.

I would expect her to participate more and be more active in certain aspects

This is a mere hope which rests on very little historical basis.

, convert to my religion in the long run or at least try to raise children to be spiritual

If she can't stick to the 5 yoga poses how is she going to be consistent with this?

The reality my friend is that you are blinded by your need for her and cannot see anything clearly. She's not following your lead and doing what you want. This is the number one reason to disqualify a girl from a relationship. Yet she is the one disqualifying you, for not having given her more commitment, which you probably had a good instinct to not have given in the first place.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

That's a contradiction in terms.


If she can't stick to the 5 yoga poses how is she going to be consistent with this?

She readily went along with my lead, and tried, just found it difficult to handle and maintain. It's not about following my lead, it's more about her own laziness really. She simply wasn't good and didn't put much effort into doing things on her own in general. I think she's the sorta girl who got used to her dad doing everything for her, etc. But she did try whenever I wanted her too. I gave her some leeway, it's not easy. She went on some change of medication as well that really fucked her up for 2 months, she had dizzyness all the time and other problems...

And she already expressed a general interest in converting before. There was something to work with here. If it was clear cut I would have quit on her a long time ago.

Is this not another sign of poor commitment? Women will find a way to be with you when they really want you, one way or another. Her coming and going all the time is a big red flag. I'm sure she had the best of reasons but that doesn't change the fact that if she wanted to stay she would've stayed.

Her going was really due to her family requirements and commitments (visa requirements, other stuff like that) 90% of the time. She always saw me whenever she could, even lying to her brother at first to come to see me. So I really can't fault her for these travels.

Yet she is the one disqualifying you, for not having given her more commitment, which you probably had a good instinct to not have given in the first place.

This is why I wanted to chill a bit more and intuitively give it more time to develop to get more sense of what she and her family is like.

 

[mirror]

The thing is, this was meant to be done months ago. Now the ship has sailed, surely given the developments over last few weeks.

Heh, that's a continuous process in a GOOD / AMAZING relationship. And i dont know about the ship. You keep wanting to go back to believing it has sailed, so maybe you need to let it sail then, or accept.it hasnt sailed. because this way of thinking is neither here or there and that's not helping you right now...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Heh, that's a continuous process in a GOOD / AMAZING relationship. And i dont know about the ship. You keep wanting to go back to believing it has sailed, so maybe you need to let it sail then, or accept.it hasnt sailed. because this way of thinking is neither here or there and that's not helping you right now...

I want to believe it has not sailed, but this does not seem to be the consensus on the forum.

Personally it seems it has left the port and I need to jump on a speed boat and wave a flag loud and clear to alert it.

 

[mirror]

I want to believe it has not sailed, but this does not seem to be the consensus on the forum.

Personally it seems it has left the port and I need to jump on a speed boat and wave a flag loud and clear to alert it.

Sounds like a plan to me. Be smart about it though. Aim for high chance of success