Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[Teevster]

Well, I did love her. One can be co-dependent in a way, but love is not mutually exclusive to co-dependency I think. Because I could have gotten into some LTRs with other girls a year or 2 before, but I didn't (for various reasons, not attractive or young enough, not quite my personality). In reality, I often felt lonely, ever since being a teenager, sometimes incredibly lonely, even when I had many friends etc...

She was number 1 for a quite a while and I wanted to be with her, even envisioned potentially marrying her.

You didn’t “love” her out of genuine desire, but rather from a place of co-dependency and fear of being alone. Most would struggle to call that kind of attraction authentic.

I think you get my point. I also think you get my point when I say your overall "attraction" for her took a jump the moment she dumped you.

-Teevster

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Not really, aside from the fact that it is clear to us that you never loved her, nor truly wanted her (until she dumped you - that changed everything right?). You had her around due to codependence - because you needed someone, because you feared being lonely - ref what you wrote yourself just above.

But you never "loved her". Once she dumped you, she suddenly became number 1( again, what I mentioned about LSE/depressed girls above, also applies to BPD girls - and interestingly, also MEN).

-Teevster

PS: we are not judging you for your issues, or diagnosis - but just annoyed at you for not providing us the relevant info when multiple guys mentioned the fact that you were operating from a frame of scarcity. Now this is proven to be correct - and aligned with your overall psychological profile.

How is it aligned with my overall psychological profile? That I was hesitant in telling her my feelings, etc, being more straightforward with her?

 

[Spike]

Although true, this is a depressed LSE girl. What you talk about is a normal girl. This is not a normal girl. Him committing harder would not have changed much. The game is simply different with those LSE/Depressed girls

except it’s not different. to use my girlfriend as an example. lse (daddy issues), uses antidepressants, low body count. when we first began seeing each other. it was casual at first. only that she wanted to see me more often than the other girls i was seeing. because she was the hottest. and i was very attracted to her, i made room for her by dropping my other fuckbuddies. fast forward a couple months in. she wants me to meet her friends. this is still while we are just casually seeing each other. i meet them and they see how cool i am. that alleviates some of their judgement. because an 18 year old girl telling her other 18 year old friends that she’s dating a guy in her 30s. in their imagination can form some idea of what this guy looks like. so after they saw what i look like and that i wasn’t some 30 year old creep. i got their approval. and this allowed me to be introduced to more of her friends. after a couple months of banging. i said to her one night while fucking her that i loved her. i meant it. and then we became officially girlfriend and boyfriend. a couple months after that i had her take a trip with me to go see my parents. where she ended up meeting my parents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters. again lse, girl on antidepressants, low body count. so i gave her commitment and she did not dump me. over the course of the relationship of course there was drama and short fights over text that were smoothed out the next day. which i don’t know what LTR in the history of LTRs there are zero fights. and during this time i did couple things and continue to do them.

had the OP done those things early. not after she had already checked out. they’d still be together. so yes lack of commitment, being vague about the relationship after 1 year together, not meeting her friends or family was the cause of her reaching the breaking point. where in her mind the relationship was already over. and lead to her getting the courage to break up with him.

 

[Teevster]

How is it aligned with my overall psychological profile? That I was hesitant in telling her my feelings, etc, being more straightforward with her?

No, that you were with her from a position of scarcity and lack of abunance - ref the frame issues.

-Teevster

 

[Will_V]

Thanks. The key is that I actually fucked hotter girls. The problem is that on some emotional level we matched each other, and her quiet subdued personality was what I enjoyed somehow - a girl who didn't give me much drama (or so I thought), was agreeable and submissive, followed my lead easily.

I had some difficult years, I still do. My mother passed from cancer unexpectedly 3 years ago, and after that I was basically left alone, with no close family or friends. I am in UK, I lived here since late 90s, but not from here originally, English is my 2nd language. So in a sense I am still a foreigner in way, and I desperately needed a close companion, someone who would be close to me.

And I realise in terms of personality I am not God's gift to women. To tell the truth: 2 years back I was diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder. Traits (slight) but disorder nonetheless, characterised by rapidly changeable moods, fear of abandonment, and other things. I can feel happy for a few hours then down and sad the next, then again...Unstable. And I am generally prone to melancholy. So I sorta understand in a way what the girl was going through mentally. I never experienced it, but I understood a bit...

Perhaps there is some compatibility between you.

However, when two people bond over being broken in some way, it makes it very hard for either of them to see the other heal. Because to do so would be to abandon the emotional place you share. Each person will be tempted to keep the other from permanent improvement, and even if they are strong enough to avoid doing that, the sense of companionship is destroyed.

In my opinion, it is the imperative of every individual to heal their own wounds as best they can, and present themselves whole to others, to be chosen on the basis of their virtues. Nobody is perfect, but wounds should never be the basis of a relationship, only the striving for harmony and excellence. Because a relationship cannot lose its basis - whatever that basis is - and survive.

 

[Will_V]

I think you overestimating how socially aware women are. Some girls are socially slow, especially Gen Z

You have walk them through something's because they totally clueless. I mean we have even had 2 women join the forum lately that have no idea how to attract or even keep a man



You would be surprised. I have had talks with some female friends on how to "calculate" things with a man they like. All Women aren't these social goddesses as a lot of men think



Idk man. For example I had a girl I was dating that was afraid to cook for me. Because we were casual and she was inexperienced she didn't know how to bring it up

I actually had to ask her to do it because she was so clueless I would enjoy it. Then after that she got more comfortable doing it for me. And even then she would timidly if she could still cook for me

If I had never asked she would have never done it and I could have made up a story in my head about how it's because she didn't like me enough

The whole "If she wanted to she will" trope



Like I said before not all women will do it on their own naturally. Even when they really like you



You making an assumption here about the attraction. But I do agree he should move on and learn from the lesson

That's the great thing about life. As long as you breathing you multiple tries to make it work in your relationships, and can use the past to help you shape a better future

I can't say for sure if you are right or wrong in the general case, but I have described the women and relationships that I bring into my life. If she needs a lot of prompting - regardless of whether it's because she's reluctant or uncertain - then I simply don't find her as attractive, and that's as good a sign as any that she's not for me.

In my opinion, a good committed relationship, just like a good sexual one, should advance like a river flowing downhill. If I have to carry buckets then I am suspicious of whether I've chosen well.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Perhaps there is some compatibility between you.

However, when two people bond over being broken in some way, it makes it very hard for either of them to see the other heal. Because to do so would be to abandon the emotional place you share. Each person will be tempted to keep the other from permanent improvement, and even if they are strong enough to avoid doing that, the sense of companionship is destroyed.

In my opinion, it is the imperative of every individual to heal their own wounds as best they can, and present themselves whole to others, to be chosen on the basis of their virtues. Nobody is perfect, but wounds should never be the basis of a relationship, only the striving for harmony and excellence. Because a relationship cannot lose its basis - whatever that basis is - and survive.

Well I actually got a lot of positive stimulation from this "relationship" with her. Before, I felt like I lost my way (difficulties with career, personal problems I mentioned above), and she gave me something to focus on and I got a lot of satisfaction from trying to care for her. I really wanted to make her feel better and put a lot of my emotional effort into her. I never invested this much into any of my previous LTRs.

She did not really bring much to the table (except obviously sex, but in reality I could get it elsewhere) and just being there....But as I said, somehow we just gelled in a way.

At the time when I met her, I had the option of going on dates with some other women from daygame: but I thought why? Why would I go on a date with this new opinionated haughty looking woman (who is nonetheless very attracted to me) when I have a cute, submissive, shy girl already which is what I actually want?

 

[Will_V]

Well I actually got a lot of positive stimulation from this "relationship" with her. Before, I felt like I lost my way (difficulties with career, personal problems I mentioned above), and she gave me something to focus on and I got a lot of satisfaction from trying to care for her. I really wanted to make her feel better and put a lot of my emotional effort into her. I never invested this much into any of my previous LTRs

And when she no longer needs or wants that sort of care, then what?

 

[HeartOfChaos]

And when she no longer needs or wants that sort of care, then what?

Well, I dont know. See what the future brings?

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I can't say for sure if you are right or wrong in the general case, but I have described the women and relationships that I bring into my life. If she needs a lot of prompting - regardless of whether it's because she's reluctant or uncertain - then I simply don't find her as attractive, and that's as good a sign as any that she's not for me.

In my opinion, a good committed relationship, just like a good sexual one, should advance like a river flowing downhill. If I have to carry buckets then I am suspicious of whether I've chosen well.

Yeah. This girl needed a lot of prompting and being pushed into taking action - with exercise, yoga, job applications, you name it. It was frustrating for sure, but I decided to commit to it. She was taking action when I was there with her - but the minute I wasn't, it was back to inactivity for her... She knew this very well and often expressed it - "why do you always support me instead of telling me what a piece of shit I am?"

 

[Will_V]

Well, I dont know. See what the future brings?

That's not the sort of answer women want to hear from the leader they are about to follow.

 

[TomInHo]

Yeah. This girl needed a lot of prompting and being pushed into taking action - with exercise, yoga, job applications, you name it. It was frustrating for sure, but I decided to commit to it. She was taking action when I was there with her - but the minute I wasn't, it was back to inactivity for her... She knew this very well and often expressed it - "why do you always support me instead of telling me what a piece of shit I am?"

Ok now IMO that's too much

You might need to take action on some things but you shouldn't be doing everything. Also need to lean back and give her room to invest too

 

[HeartOfChaos]

That's not the sort of answer women want to hear from the leader they are about to follow.

I was gonna say it depends really. If we continue to be compatible, I'd be open to marrying her.

 

[TomInHo]

"why do you always support me instead of telling me what a piece of shit I am?"

You know what. @Atlas IV was right. You were too soft with her

This woman also needed to be put in her place. Giving girls like this more kindness makes them see you as weak. You need to have a balance with it and could have given her some shit too

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Ok now IMO that's too much

You might need to take action on some things but you shouldn't be doing everything. Also need to lean back and give her room to invest to too

But that's the thing. She simply doesn't do anything most days. Before coming to UK, she said she was just sitting at her house for a year doing absolutely fuck all. Then her mum decided to send her to UK to do a masters degree. She only really finds comfort in cats (she is obsessed with cats) and she even told me "I am emotionally healing through cats". This, and going on shopping sprees for endless clothes and shoes.

 

[Will_V]

She was taking action when I was there with her - but the minute I wasn't, it was back to inactivity for her... She knew this very well and often expressed it - "why do you always support me instead of telling me what a piece of shit I am?"

This is a place you do not want to be, propping up someone else's self esteem.

I think you know what you have to do. Fix yourself first, and then find a girl who is worthy of being alongside you.

Make that choice, or she'll make it for you.

 

[TomInHo]

But that's the thing. She simply doesn't do anything most day

And why is that your problem? It's her life and she can live it however she wants

If she goes back to being a lazy fuck when you leave then you have to accept she is lazy fuck

Accept her for who she is and not who you wish she could be

Sounds like based off your own standards she wasn't even GF material

 

[Spike]

Sounds like based off your own standards she wasn't even GF material

from what i understand. he liked that she was compatible with him personality wise (both introverts) and that she was physically attractive. because she had these two traits that he valued, he was willing to ignore the fact that she’s a lazy piece of shit. because he thought he could fix that. have to screen for that. then you won’t be so hesitant on making that girl your girlfriend

 

[TomInHo]

from what i understand. he liked that she was compatible with him personality wise (both introverts) and that she was physically attractive. because she had these two traits that he valued, he was willing to ignore the fact that she’s a lazy piece of shit. because he thought he could fix that. have to screen for that. then you won’t be so hesitant on making that girl your girlfriend

Ye but him over investing in her actually lowered her attraction

@Teevster has a point. There's more to the story than he didn't escalate the relationship. He was also doing things within the relationship to lower her attraction

Deadly combination and it makes more sense why she dumped him the way she did

He was chasing for a lot of the relationship while at the same time keeping it in limbo

 

[Spike]

He was also doing things within the relationship to lower her attraction

agreed. relationship game