What's new

Break Ups  Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

Spike

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 30, 2025
Messages
440
It's about flying back so soon which is the problem of course. And I am not sure how much of it was down to her or her parents (because her parents bought her the ticket and seems like chose the date and did not really want the hassle of changing etc). She was a bit vague, but she did try certainly
image how differently things would be if her parents knew about you. i know they are in a different country but you could talk to them via facetime. you don’t think it would be easier for her parents to change the dates? buy you a ticket to come with her ? as far as her parents were considered, you didn’t exist. would obviously make it a lot more difficult in trying to persuade her parents to change the dates.


“can we change the dates that i visit you?”
“why?”
“umm because”
 

TomInHo

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Dec 13, 2021
Messages
809
I mean why she broke up with you @HeartOfChaos is painfully obvious

She had reached the point she wanted a real relationship. She thought you two were fuckbuddies and dropped many hints

But you were too timid to let her know you saw her as a serious option so she dipped. Look at what she said to you in May

That is not what a girlfriend will say to a boyfriend

OP regardless how you felt about her she thought the relationship was casual and she got tired of it
 

KJ Francis

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Mar 27, 2023
Messages
1,120
then you have a talk with your main about kids….smh 101 shit lol
Well I was joking about the condom removal haha but like the middle period. I can't envision going right from main plus fuck buddies where she is hoping you will become more serious with her one day... To jump right to family.

Nvm honestly... Don't let me derail. I can't even imagine living with a girl whatsoever.
 

TomInHo

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Dec 13, 2021
Messages
809
Well I was joking about the condom removal haha but like the middle period. I can't envision going right from main plus fuck buddies where she is hoping you will become more serious with her one day... To jump right to family.

Nvm honestly... Don't let me derail. I can't even imagine living with a girl whatsoever.

Revisit this topic when you 35
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
2,232
I did provide a clear picture. I saw her as soon as I could after they left, she was always asking when I am free to see her...

And what about this:
A few days later: she tells me that she (or her father) are booking her a flight ticket again back to Turkey on 28th July for another month. I am surprised (and a bit hurt, internally, I wanted her to spend summer with me). I ask her why so soon. She says "well I have nothing to do here in UK... I know you are here, but...." I tell her, "well, I AM HERE", to which she doesn't really respond clearly. I ask her to try to postpone the flight, she agrees to try.

Next 10 days (till 23 July) we spend a lot of time together. I take her various places, for a day at the beach, museums, all this stuff. I repeatedly ask her multiple times "have you changed your flight? I want to spend more time with you"" To which she is being a bit vague, "I am asking my dad, he hasn't done it yet, looks like the airline does't want to give a refund...Would you pay for my ticket if I change dates? Haha only joking."

It all felt a bit like she doesn't really care if she spends more time with me or not (I frankly told her this). Once again, I felt somewhat hurt and surprised internally that it appeared like I wasn't in her near future proper plans for the summer. Once I frankly said this to her (in a message) , she readily messaged me "postponed my flight till 5 August".

25 July:
We spend more time together. She says something like "It will be one year since we met soon...And I've done fuck all in the last year...No job, just useless..." I am already planning some stuff to do for the anniversary, I say nothing because I want it to be a bit of a surprise - my intention is too tell her a little later, but I give her a hint that I am planning to do things and see her on the anniversary (just don't tell her everything).
 

Spike

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 30, 2025
Messages
440
I can't envision going right from main plus fuck buddies where she is hoping you will become more serious with her one day... To jump right to family
drop fuckbuddies. main becomes girlfriend. after x amount of time together with main. you and her talk about kids. if you both decide you want them. you…have kids!
 

HeartOfChaos

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Aug 3, 2025
Messages
60
Well I was joking about the condom removal haha but like the middle period. I can't envision going right from main plus fuck buddies where she is hoping you will become more serious with her one day... To jump right to family.

Nvm honestly... Don't let me derail. I can't even imagine living with a girl whatsoever.
How old are you? I was of that opinion 5 year ago or so. When you get into late 30s, views change...
 

Will_V

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
2,186
Hello gentlemen. 38 year old guy in UK here. Girl is 28. Met her in daygame exactly one year ago, August 2024. She was a virgin when I met her. A masters student from abroad, from a rather conservative country that tries to be western somewhat. Many girls there remain virgins till marriage (although she and her family are modern and western).

She had constant depression and social anxiety since she was 16. She is on anti depressants and other meds and having meetings with a psychiatrist. Nice, lonely, timid and shy personality, but she can be blunt and straightforward and prone to angry outbursts too. She never had a job in her life, and is relying on her parents' money. She was trying to apply for jobs here after her degree, had a brief internship, but got no further and simply gave up. Spends all her days basically doing nothing and can't get motivated for anything on her own. Her timid personality and anxiety is holding her back. She often says negative things about herself, how she is "useless", "worthless", and has nothing to offer. She also told me several times "what is a smart successful guy doing with a piece of shit like me".

In spite of all her problems, I was very happy to have met her. I felt very lonely too. I fucked many women but always struggled to get young, sexy, desirables ones. I have no real male friends and some events in my life (death of my mother, financial problems, some health issues) have hit me hard in recent years. So I was relieved and happy at last to meet a younger chick who was slim, attractive, submissive and actually wanted to be with me.

I have exclusively dated her all this time. We met up typically twice per week but texted everyday. In truth, I only saw her 8 of the 12 months we've been together, as she often went abroad to stay with her parents to help her with depression, for family holidays, etc.

I always supported her as much as I could, tried to make her feel special, tried to encourage her to do yoga and meditate with me, bought some nice gifts for her, took her to nature places I like. However, seems she did not feel like I was a proper "boyfriend" for a long, long time, and she wasn't sure if we even exclusive or not untill several months in - I kept my feeling about her a bit vague with her, because I am somewhat shy about these things myself. She said some things like "I don't feel like we are properly together", as I guess I didn't do standard "couply" things like taking her out to restaurants or meeting her friends, share with her my instagram (that I barely even use)... I simply don't value or care about this stuff standard society / social media stuff, but clearly she does.

Anyway. In late May, a few days before her last planned trip for a month back to her parents, she suddenly says "I have bad news for you. I can't be with you and have sex anymore blah blah blah". I ask her what's wrong. She never gave a clear answer but seemed like a mix of that I never met her friends / don't care about stuff like instagram and tik tok that she wanted me to connect to with her / 10 year age gap / she feels like she is dragging me down and holding me back with her mental health problems / that she never envisioned me as a serious long term prospect.

I told her to take time off and not overthink. We continued texting next few days and the status quo was gradually restored.

In late June she came back from her parents and everything was normal for 4 weeks. The only disappointing thing was that she said she'd be going back home yet again soon for another month. I tried not to let it show but it sadden me a bit as I was looking forward to spending summer with her and growing stronger as a couple. I was on the verge of telling her I loved her, and felt this is the time to do it, but was a bit afraid to let myself go and say so. I wanted to save it for our anniversary which would have been this weekend.

Then suddenly a week ago, she says again "I can't do this anymore...it often feels like I am forcing myself to be with you...do you love me? Because I don't really love you...There is no deep passion here". We talked, I tried to get a clear reason as to what changed. She came up with a whole outburst tirade:

"You don't see my friends... In my culture we meet friends socially... Where is this likely to lead? Do you want to be with me? Do you want to marry me? Have children? Where are we gonna live? I also don't feel like I can have a relationship in my state...I don't love you... I was with you all this time because I didn't want to be lonely.... I was thinking you'd leave me soon after we met but you stayed and I liked you and your attention"

To me, it seemed like she thought it was a situationship rather than LTR (in fact she did say explicitly a few months prior once: "what are we? In a situationship?" That I simply ignored).

It's as if a whole flood of emotion came out that evening, mix of various rationalisations and explanations...

I basically blurted out that "I always loved you. I am open to marriage...But you need a job here first...I want to be together and develop with you...but you need to bring more to the table. I always tried to support and help you but you contributed very little Stuff like not meeting your friends is not critical to me as I want to spend time with you, not your friends...". We talked a bit more and then I left saying something like "ok, take time off and re-think everything."

Over last few days we messaged each other sometimes. I offered to meet her on our anniversary, saying I want to give us another chance to build something special. She simply said "I am sorry. I can''t do it". To which I said "ok, not to put pressure on you, go spend time with your family and let's see if things change in September", to which she said "ok", and that was pretty much the end of our communication.

Your thoughts and advice would be very appreciated. Do you think it's worth going no contact for at least a month till she gets back here in UK? Or try to keep talking? Drop an anniversary card that I bought for her in her letter box before she flies home, telling her that I love her?

I don't know how to behave with a girl who has depression in such circumstances.

TL/DR: dated a girl with chronic depression for one year. She has low self esteem. Dated exclusively but she seemed unclear on our boyfriend / girlfriend status. She attempted to break up in May, we smoothed things over, then again she initiated a break up literally last week - a few days before our one year anniversary. No clear reason to me (just a mix of various vague explanations) why she wanted to break up. Seems like she thought it was a situationship rather than LTR. How to get her back?

Sorry you're having a rough time brother. But I think you have to ask yourself clearly what you want with her. And then look at her very clearly and ask yourself if she can give you what you're looking for.

First of all, depressed people in your life are always going to be a rough ride. They will make you sweat as you try to walk the line between leadership and mental support, not pushing them too hard or too little, trying to be empathetic but not an emotional tampon. Their tendency to feel victimized is a constant threat to your ability to express yourself naturally, honestly, and dominantly. Taking on a depressed girlfriend is not something to take lightly, and you must avoid falling into the pitfall of thinking in terms of 'fixing' her - the beginning of a relationship is usually the easiest time you will have, and breaking up with her years down the line after she's become dependent on you can feel like you're sending her off a cliff.

I may be wrong about this, and I hope I'm not being too blunt here, but it sounds to me like there is a bit of neediness on your part. That you may not like her as much as you think you do, but you feel like you have to accept a lot of negatives because you don't think you'll find another girl as hot. If that's the case, not only is this a very bad frame for you to operate in, but she will feel it, and she will resent you for it.

In your whole post, nowhere did I see anything about her having to prove herself to you, passing your tests and bending over backward to please you and fulfill your expectations. Instead she seems to think she is a casual fling who you got attached to, who sometimes you act like a boyfriend toward. If that in itself isn't enough to tell her you aren't the sort of man she's looking for (since women, for the long term, respect guys who manage their own life and relationships carefully) then she's certainly going to start prodding you very hard to clarify things one way or the other. But to do so now would be to hand her the frame and reins of the relationship, since it would be advancing at her will.

You have only two options, in my opinion: a) break up with her or b) reset the frame as your own - tell her you got lazy but from now on you want to see improvements X, Y, and Z on her part, and that the relationship will proceed based on how things go. Examples: she has to get a job, she has to stop sitting around all day feeling sorry for herself, she has to stop doing <insert something you really hate>, she has to <insert something you really want her to do>. Make her either rise to the occasion to become your first-choice, ideal girl, or leave.

But do not bother to do any of that unless you really are open to something more with her, or else you're wasting both your times.

Hope this helps!
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
2,232
I mean why she broke up with you @HeartOfChaos is painfully obvious

She had reached the point she wanted a real relationship. She thought you two were fuckbuddies and dropped many hints

But you were too timid to let her know you saw her as a serious option so she dipped. Look at what she said to you in May

I still maintain that him comitting harder would not change the outcome by much. Comitting to LSE girls, suffering from depression, with little sexual experience... rarely lead to a positive outcome.

But bottom-line: we all agree the relationship is over, and it end in may, if not even earlier..

-Teevster
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
2,232
I may be wrong about this, and I hope I'm not being too blunt here, but it sounds to me like there is a bit of neediness on your part. That you may not like her as much as you think you do, but you feel like you have to accept a lot of negatives because you don't think you'll find another girl as hot. If that's the case, not only is this a very bad frame for you to operate in, but she will feel it, and she will resent you for it.

AMEN.


In your whole post, nowhere did I see anything about her having to prove herself to you, passing your tests and bending over backward to please you and fulfill your expectations. Instead she seems to think she is a casual fling who you got attached to, who sometimes you act like a boyfriend toward. If that in itself isn't enough to tell her you aren't the sort of man she's looking for (since women, for the long term, respect guys who manage their own life and relationships carefully) then she's certainly going to start prodding you very hard to clarify things one way or the other. But to do so now would be to hand her the frame and reins of the relationship, since it would be advancing at her will.

AMEN x2.

Edit: although I think what you mention here applies to normal girls. This is not a normal girl. LSE girls want comitement, but also get scared once someone commits. A paradox.

-Teevster
 

TomInHo

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Dec 13, 2021
Messages
809
I still maintain that him comitting harder would not change the outcome by much. Comitting to LSE girls, suffering from depression, with little sexual experience... rarely lead to a positive outcome.

But bottom-line: we all agree the relationship is over, and it end in may, if not even earlier..

-Teevster

I am not caught up on the LSE thing. If he wants to commit to that it's his choice

But if he did the same things with a HSE chick she would bounce on him too. Women do not like being left in limbo forever

It's good if he can understand the reasoning behind why she checked out the relationship even if he never commits to her
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
2,232
But if he did the same things with a HSE chick she would bounce on him too. Women do not like being left in limbo forever

Oh she would 100%. But that's for HSE girl. This is not a HSE girl, and thus other more crucial factors are at play.

In addition, a HSE girl would throw ultimatums. She did not.

As I just told @Will_V , LSE girls seek commitments - but once they get it, they freak out. So he would have been screwed anyway. This applied to most LSE girls - especially those of serious LSE - like the one we are dealing with here.

The other type of LSE girl, those who are not "seriously LSE" will seek commitment and once they get what they need, they end up turning needy and seek more and even more commitement... and it will NEVER been enough. And then you are left with two options: provide more commitement - in which case she ends up dumping you due to frame issues, or you end up not commiting and she leaves because "lack of commitement".

In both cases you are dealing with an unsolvable paradox. You simply cannot deal with those without opting for full-blown toxic relationships - which I do not recommend - both for moral and practical reasons.

-Teevster
 
Last edited:

HeartOfChaos

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Aug 3, 2025
Messages
60
Sorry you're having a rough time brother. But I think you have to ask yourself clearly what you want with her. And then look at her very clearly and ask yourself if she can give you what you're looking for.

First of all, depressed people in your life are always going to be a rough ride. They will make you sweat as you try to walk the line between leadership and mental support, not pushing them too hard or too little, trying to be empathetic but not an emotional tampon. Their tendency to feel victimized is a constant threat to your ability to express yourself naturally, honestly, and dominantly. Taking on a depressed girlfriend is not something to take lightly, and you must avoid falling into the pitfall of thinking in terms of 'fixing' her - the beginning of a relationship is usually the easiest time you will have, and breaking up with her years down the line after she's become dependent on you can feel like you're sending her off a cliff.

I may be wrong about this, and I hope I'm not being too blunt here, but it sounds to me like there is a bit of neediness on your part. That you may not like her as much as you think you do, but you feel like you have to accept a lot of negatives because you don't think you'll find another girl as hot. If that's the case, not only is this a very bad frame for you to operate in, but she will feel it, and she will resent you for it.

In your whole post, nowhere did I see anything about her having to prove herself to you, passing your tests and bending over backward to please you and fulfill your expectations. Instead she seems to think she is a casual fling who you got attached to, who sometimes you act like a boyfriend toward. If that in itself isn't enough to tell her you aren't the sort of man she's looking for (since women, for the long term, respect guys who manage their own life and relationships carefully) then she's certainly going to start prodding you very hard to clarify things one way or the other. But to do so now would be to hand her the frame and reins of the relationship, since it would be advancing at her will.

You have only two options, in my opinion: a) break up with her or b) reset the frame as your own - tell her you got lazy but from now on you want to see improvements X, Y, and Z on her part, and that the relationship will proceed based on how things go. Examples: she has to get a job, she has to stop sitting around all day feeling sorry for herself, she has to stop doing <insert something you really hate>, she has to <insert something you really want her to do>. Make her either rise to the occasion to become your first-choice, ideal girl, or leave.

But do not bother to do any of that unless you really are open to something more with her, or else you're wasting both your times.

Hope this helps!

I actually told her b) on the day of break up: I said "give it time and think it over but you need to bring a lot more to the table, so far you've done basically nothing"
 

Atlas IV

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
May 21, 2023
Messages
533
1st July: flies back to UK with her parents and brother. Her parents and brother stay with her here till 10 July. She is with them 24/7, I don't get a chance to see her.
By this point it was clear she did not care about you anymore. You finally had the chance to meet again, and she did not even make any effort to see you.

This is where you should have gone emotionally distant from her and see how she responded. Most likely it would have ended here.

11th July: her parents are gone. I finally see her first time since late May
Here you were buying into her frame. She was the prize, and you "finally" got to see her again. On her part, obviously, she couldn't really care whether she saw you or not.

She was fully checked out of the relationship.

A few days later: she tells me that she (or her father) are booking her a flight ticket again back to Turkey on 28th July for another month. I am surprised (and a bit hurt, internally, I wanted her to spend summer with me). I ask her why so soon. She says "well I have nothing to do here in UK... I know you are here, but...." I tell her, "well, I AM HERE", to which she doesn't really respond clearly. I ask her to try to postpone the flight, she agrees to try.
More confirmation of checking out. You were just not a priority to her at all.

This is some Dark Triad advice, but a little emotional manipulation might have helped if you wanted to keep her. Be a little less predictable. Like have a dramatic angry outburst, go silent for a few days, then come back and act like nothing happened. Be nice to her sometimes, be an asshole other times. Be responsive sometimes and unresponsive others. Deny her the feeling that she "has" you.

She's depressed, which means she's numb to sensations. The way to keep girls like that hooked on you is to ram them with emotional stimulation. Make yourself the drug that she can't get off.

(This isn't morally good btw. I don't recommend dating depressed girls AT ALL. I'm just telling you what works based on my experience with them.)

It all felt a bit like she doesn't really care if she spends more time with me or not (I frankly told her this). Once again, I felt somewhat hurt and surprised internally that it appeared like I wasn't in her near future proper plans for the summer.
So literally, around 4 weeks before the anniversary this happens: she (or her family) book her a flight back before the anniversary, she seems fine with it and doesn't seem concerned about me.
She didn't care because she didn't feel any emotional stimulation with you - positive or negative.

Of course there's another side to this which is her family. She was obviously spending a LOT of time with her father and brothers, and because you were a stranger, an outsider to them, they would have been voicing their disapproval of you. Had you met her family earlier and won them over, this might have been a different story.

Still, I think Teevster is right. This wasn't about a lack of commitment, it was mostly about frame control.

This thread might be interesting and informative to you.
 

TomInHo

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Dec 13, 2021
Messages
809
I actually told her b) on the day of break up: I said "give it time and think it over but you need to bring a lot more to the table, so far you've done basically nothing"

Bad timing

You don't tell someone that is leaving you that they need to invest more. They already checked out and don't give a damn

You bring things like that up when they are chasing you hard for a relationship. Then you can let them know why you are hesitant and give them a chance to self correct
 

HeartOfChaos

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Aug 3, 2025
Messages
60
By this point it was clear she did not care about you anymore. You finally had the chance to meet again, and she did not even make any effort to see you.

This is where you should have gone emotionally distant from her and see how she responded. Most likely it would have ended here.


Here you were buying into her frame. She was the prize, and you "finally" got to see her again. On her part, obviously, she couldn't really care whether she saw you or not.

She was fully checked out of the relationship.


More confirmation of checking out. You were just not a priority to her at all.

This is some Dark Triad advice, but a little emotional manipulation might have helped if you wanted to keep her. Be a little less predictable. Like have a dramatic angry outburst, go silent for a few days, then come back and act like nothing happened. Be nice to her sometimes, be an asshole other times. Be responsive sometimes and unresponsive others. Deny her the feeling that she "has" you.

She's depressed, which means she's numb to sensations. The way to keep girls like that hooked on you is to ram them with emotional stimulation. Make yourself the drug that she can't get off.

(This isn't morally good btw. I don't recommend dating depressed girls AT ALL. I'm just telling you what works based on my experience with them.)



She didn't care because she didn't feel any emotional stimulation with you - positive or negative.

Of course there's another side to this which is her family. She was obviously spending a LOT of time with her father and brothers, and because you were a stranger, an outsider to them, they would have been voicing their disapproval of you. Had you met her family earlier and won them over, this might have been a different story.

Still, I think Teevster is right. This wasn't about a lack of commitment, it was mostly about frame control.

This thread might be interesting and informative to you.

About 1st July, not so, she literally was stuck with her parents and she was actually in another far away city with them for several days. When they came here before in winter etc, it was the same - with them 24/7, her mum making all the plans for the family daily where to go and what to do. Her mum basically prescribed the itinerary and she can't really get away.

She for sure wasn't checked out (at least completely) at that stage. She was the one asking me when I am coming etc

Her mum basically messages and calls her 24/7 asking where she is and what is she doing. She had to hide half the time that I was in bed with her while she was taking calls from her mum during the last 12 months.

Edit: sorry: my memory hazy: I did see her shortly after she came back on 1st July -she did manage to get away from her parents for several hours to see me, before they went off to another city. Sorry, a lot of chaos here...

One thing to stress is that right till the final day of break up, she always, always made an effort to see me whenever she could, basically never denied me the opportunity to see her (except when with parents), always immediately responded to all my messages etc. Not one other girl I've met was as always "dedicated" and super fast responsive as this
 
Last edited:

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
2,232
By this point it was clear she did not care about you anymore. You finally had the chance to meet again, and she did not even make any effort to see you.

This is where you should have gone emotionally distant from her and see how she responded. Most likely it would have ended here.


Here you were buying into her frame. She was the prize, and you "finally" got to see her again. On her part, obviously, she couldn't really care whether she saw you or not.

She was fully checked out of the relationship.


More confirmation of checking out. You were just not a priority to her at all.

This is some Dark Triad advice, but a little emotional manipulation might have helped if you wanted to keep her. Be a little less predictable. Like have a dramatic angry outburst, go silent for a few days, then come back and act like nothing happened. Be nice to her sometimes, be an asshole other times. Be responsive sometimes and unresponsive others. Deny her the feeling that she "has" you.

She's depressed, which means she's numb to sensations. The way to keep girls like that hooked on you is to ram them with emotional stimulation. Make yourself the drug that she can't get off.

(This isn't morally good btw. I don't recommend dating depressed girls AT ALL. I'm just telling you what works based on my experience with them.)



She didn't care because she didn't feel any emotional stimulation with you - positive or negative.

Of course there's another side to this which is her family. She was obviously spending a LOT of time with her father and brothers, and because you were a stranger, an outsider to them, they would have been voicing their disapproval of you. Had you met her family earlier and won them over, this might have been a different story.

Still, I think Teevster is right. This wasn't about a lack of commitment, it was mostly about frame control.

This thread might be interesting and informative to you.

This and @Will_V's responses are the best ones in this whole thread.

-Teevster
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
2,232
She didn't care because she was tired of the ambivalence. It's nothing to do with emotional stimulation

Depressed people get clingy with ambivalence. So ambivalence is to me not the cause behind the break up. I think @Atlas IV is right.

-Teevster
 
the right date makes getting her back home a piece of cake
Top