Moose Goes Forth

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Quick update. Doing a lot better now and am feeling much more positive. Of course the violent thoughts came about because I felt a loss of control over my life. One of my focuses should really be on not dwelling on the past and feeling that I can control my future and that it's not too late

From my last post:

- Joined a PUA group in my hometown to find like minded people and am currently looking for a possible wing there.

I haven't found a dedicated wing yet, but there's a whatsapp group I'm a part of now with other guys from my hometown who are approaching. Our schedules have clashed so far but I'm hoping to meet up with some of them over the next few weeks.

Hinge:

Unfortunately no progress on this front. I had a cute girl that I was trying to set up a date with over the weekend. She gave me her number on Friday night and I sent a proposal on Saturday, but got ghosted. I'm going to put up the text convos here to get feedback on what went wrong, along with another Hinge match that fell through (though I definitely could have been more persistent with that one and gave up too easily). Something I'm doing is putting these girls off

Day Game:

I've been lame. Nothing to report here.

Night Game:

I went out on my own on Friday and Saturday last weekend. Overall it was a pretty positive experience and a confidence booster, but bore no fruit. Friday I was out on my own when this pretty girl who I noticed earlier came up behind me, draped her arms around my neck and pretty much started rubbing her whole body against mine. I turned around to escalate when this other stupid girl came and cockblocked me by pulling us apart. When I asked what her problem was she literally put her hand in my face. It makes me mad now but at the time I was non-reactive and did not get angry, which was probably a good thing -if I guy had done that I probably would have. To be fair the girl who came up to me was probably really drunk.

On Saturday I got massive IOIs and had a group pretty much throwing one of their girls at me at one point. She was ok looking but it was on the dance floor and I didn't see it going anywhere. I chatted to another girl at the bar with my standard "what are you drinking" opener, found her later on the dance floor and danced with her. She found me again an hour later and we danced, but I was totally hammered by that point and I don't recall how we separated.

One notable interaction was with a pretty brunette - as I was heading to the bar I noticed her and complimented her dress "I like your dress". She started shittesting me hard about my opener, saying that it was awkward and that she hated small talk. I was completely non-reactive and knew it was a shittest and not a rejection - so I started agreeing and amplifying, jokingly asking her boring questions in a sarcastic tone. She loved it and was beaming. At one point her friend came over, another pretty brunette, and she said she noticed my approach and agreed with her friend that it was awkward "Are you this awkward all the time?". Again, I knew it was a shittest and completely deflected it, but I don't remember exactly how, I think it was something along the lines of "well yeah when you never leave the house sometimes it's takes a little while to readjust to society" in a sarcastic tone again. We were both talking for quite a bit, at one point the girl I opened asked me if I could tell if her friends tits were real or not. I don't know if this was a shit test or what so I just said I don't know, and she confirmed they were fale. At some point the convo died and she walked away - unfortunately I had been drinking quite a bit so I don't remember what caused it but I think I just stopped talking for a while and it got awkward.

I'm starting to ramble a bit but the main takeaway was I approached this pretty girl and her and her friend clearly enjoyed talking to me. and was non-reactive to their shit tests

I'm getting better at recognizing them and holding my frame. I also learned that I can turn my current weaknesses (an awkward approach for instance) into a positive by joking about it in a sarcastic way if she starts to shittest.
Later on in the night on the dance floor their third friend (another pretty brunette) came up to me away from the guy she was dancing with and started talking to me too, confessing how she never goes out. I asked her what she usually does -

B: "usually sitting at home in my pajamas watching netflix".
M: " so why are you here now?
B: Because I thought I'd come out and be social, but I'd rather go home
M: Don't lie, I know you're loving it
B: Yeah you're right *she turned away*

I should have said "Don't lie, you just came out here to find some cute guys didn't you" and gone from there. I failed that one.

One thing I noticed is that these girls were noticeably younger - probably around early 20s. I'm 26, almost 27 now and I think a lot of these girls are starting to see me as somewhat of an authority figure which is upping the attraction and trust. This is making me a lot more hopeful about the future. Some part of me didn't really believe that older guys could still be attractive to younger women (or rather, I knew they were attracted to some older guys, but that wouldn't be me). But recently that's starting to change and I'm starting to think I might be able to play the powerful older dude role quite well, if I keep taking care of myself.

In summary, I'm doing a lot better. Only thing is, I'm still not approaching nearly as much as I should. Part of it is still my ego "why should I have to do this when my friends don't have to". But this mindset is slowly starting to shift - especially after reading some GC articles about how crucial game is in cities. Even my friends who are getting laid are doing it with girls who are either a. below their league (consistently). or b. lucking out with an attractive girl on occasion, but not with any remarkable degree of consistency.

I just hope I don't regress.

 

[Beam]

It's been an eternity since I last posted, but I'm still here. The last month and a half has been busy with my bros wedding and other commitments, and I haven't really made much progress but I'll outline the most important things that have happened:

1. I'm getting coaching. I've decided that nothing will get me off my ass more than getting some coaching - I've signed up for four weeks starting two weeks from now (the last month and a half was too busy otherwise I would have started it sooner).

The main thing I''m hoping to get out of it is learning how to pick up the sort of girls I want (my city is very social circle based, all the girls I really want seem to flock around musicians, sports stars, and seem very closed off to randoms, so I want to find out more about breaking into these circles). Hopefully these coaching sessions will speed up this process. More than anything I need to see and be inspired by people who are doing this so I know it's actually possible in my city.

2. I have a new LR- which I've posted where I successfully used date compression to get her back to my place after three dates within a week. Unfortunately it hasn't quite worked out yet (see the LR- for details)

3. There's another really cute girl I met at a festival months ago who I matched with on Hinge recently. She's very cute and seems really into me, but the only problem is she lives an hour and a half away, and can only meet up on weekends. I met up with her at the end of August but she was with her friends, purely because we couldn't find any other time to meet up. She's driving here on Saturday and we're going out for the second time (I didn't have a free weekend all of September so we couldn't meet up) but we've been texting back and forth fairly consistently.

 

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I really should update this more often because a lot has happened and by writing it down now I'll probably have forgotten details and not given every interaction the analysis it deserves, but I'll attempt it anyway:

1. I'm getting coaching. I've decided that nothing will get me off my ass more than getting some coaching - I've signed up for four weeks starting two weeks from now (the last month and a half was too busy otherwise I would have started it sooner).

This has been very good for getting me out of my shell. I've had four infield sessions so far. In the first session, I opened quite a few girls, mainly when walking. Most ignored me, but I think part of that was due to the fact that they didn't realize I was talking to them. I would say excuse me, look into their eyes and wait for them to react before continue with my line. But while looking into their eyes not saying anything they probably thought I was a weirdo just staring at them. I'm slowly learning that if I just keep talking they're more likely to stop and listen to what I have to say. . Not in all cases though, sometimes I've kept talking and the girls have just completely avoided eye contact and kept walking. Oh well.

Case in point:

Last week I opened two girls when my coach was there. Initially when I engaged they gave me the same strange look the other girls had given me and kept walking. But I raised my voice a little bit more and kept talking. We ended up chatting to those girls for half an hour - turns out they were German and had just arrived in the country. Perfect opportunity for a double insta date but we dropped the ball and let them go. I did get ones fb and my coach got the other ones instagram. We tried setting up a double date for later but it didn't work out and the girls stopped responding. They were only in my country for a month though for post high school celebrations.

Yesterday we opened two girls at a bar and I opened with "Are you girls German - me and my buddy can't decide - he thinks you're Norwegian". They laughed and I immediately could tell they were Australian like me, lol. We started chatting more and chatted for well over an hour, slowly getting closer and sitting next to the girls. After a while my coach starting trying to broach into sexual topics while touching his girl, but I could tell she was uncomfortable and she was shittesting hard. I was closer to mine but wasn't really playfully touching her like I should have. They eventually started bringing out their cameras to take selfies with us. In retrospect this would have been a good opportunity to playfully kiss my one on the cheek - maybe that physical escalation would have made things go differently. My flirting is weak.. Need to work on verbals, turning innocent comments into sexual jokes. Eye contact was pretty good, but subtle verbal flirting is still something I need to prioritize.

When my coach suggested going to another bar, they said they were going to the bathroom, but they didn't come back. Ouch.

Pros of that interaction:

Assumptions. Even if you're wrong, it leads to fun conversations. I assumed they were German, they laughed about that. We guessed each others ages (I was right about hers, 22, but she was one year off for me), we guessed each others professions (I guessed her friends correctly) and names (I guessed her friends correctly after they gave me a hint and they thought I was some sort of psychic after that)

Conversation was easy and fun, I was loud and not meek. When sexual topics came up I didn't judge and laughed about them (the girls got their uni results that morning and said they were going to become strippers if they failed their exams but they passed, and we both said that was disappointing, stuff like that)

Cons of that interaction

Not flirty enough - my coach was doing most of the flirting. He was leading the conversation a lot while I was following a lot. Didn't show my intent enough and believe I came across as attractive but not forward enough.
Not physical enough - had plenty of opportunities to playfully touch my girl or kiss her (like when the camera came out)
We weren't drinking at all and the girls were. We were there for an hour talking and didn't have one drink. Should have gotten at least one round to make them more comfortable.

Other common themes from the cold approaches:

I have experimented with indirect and direct.

With indirect I've been using the "Do you know any good coffee shops around here" or variants of that. This has generally led to platonic conversations and dead ends except in one case where the girl had just moved here from London and said I was asking the wrong person. Conversation was easy after that, we walked down the street and chatted, and I could have easily insta dated her but I had to get back for my first skype coaching session. Darn. Ended up meeting up with her again two weeks later. Will post about that interaction below. But in general, I hate feigning confusion and it really doesn't work well since I've been living here for months and have no legitimate excuse for not knowing where the best coffee shops/ rooftop bars are. Of course there's always the option of asking where something completely obvious (right in front of us) is and then saying that of course I wanted to just talk to her like this site suggests.

With direct I have given compliments to them and they have thanked me but in a lot of cases they've been heading to work and haven't been able to stop for longer. I'm still fairly scared of using direct and it hasn't brought me any success yet but I'm going to continue practicing. As a generic opener if I can't think of anything specific to say about her, I'll say "Excuse me, I know this is a bit unusual, but I had to come and tell you that you look totally gorgeous, I'm Moose *extend hand*" I like using gorgeous as it shows more intent than cute but is less needy than beautiful.

Also working on body language. Slowly learning to just relax when I'm out in public and being ok with waiting and only approaching girls I'm really interested in instead of stressing about hitting my approach quota for the day, with the result being that I approach girls I'm not really into and she can tell it's not genuine (I'm bad at faking). A few months ago I put this down as a sticking point but I'm slowly working out how to project the correct way.

When she's sitting down and you're standing

Still not sure how to navigate the situation where she's sitting down and you approach her standing and when to sit down. I'm pretty sure TDA will have something on this so time to do some homework.

 

[Beam]

More updates from the last month:

3. There's another really cute girl I met at a festival months ago who I matched with on Hinge recently. She's very cute and seems really into me, but the only problem is she lives an hour and a half away, and can only meet up on weekends. I met up with her at the end of August but she was with her friends, purely because we couldn't find any other time to meet up. She's driving here on Saturday and we're going out for the second time (I didn't have a free weekend all of September so we couldn't meet up) but we've been texting back and forth fairly consistently.

We met up, went mini golfing (typical boyfriend date I know). It was super fun, we got back and cuddled while watching netflix, but when I went for the kiss she sort of half assed it (it was a really bad kiss). When I suggested going to my room she said "next time". I know this girl was really into me and wanted me as a boyfriend. And honestly, she is my type and if she lived closer I would have been ok with that.

But after that, we couldn't meet up for weeks and were still messaging back and forth fairly consistently, I suggested ending things since the meetups were too infrequent.

Similar to this, I had a hinge date with a gorgeous 5"10 brunette from Hinge. Same deal. Got closer and closer throughout the date, she ended up sleeping on my lap in a bar, would pull away when I went for the kiss. After the date, we hugged but I said I wanted a kiss - we had a quick peck on the lips and the date ended.

Second date a week later (she was away on a camp so couldn't do sooner) we met at a bar for drinks during the day. We talked about everything, including when we lost our virginities (she'd lost hers quite late). Wasn't much physical escalation at the bar but I invited her back to mine to watch a horror movie. We did and by the end of it we were spooning. Again, when I went for the kiss she pulled away. At the end of the movie when she left we hugged goodbye. The next day, and I think this was a mistake, I sent her a text saying that she was cool but it didn't seem like she was that into me and suggested ending things. She said that was fine and that she just didn't want to feel used which is why she was hesitant. But after this I sent a really cringy text apologizing for making her feel that way and saying that after knowing that I'd be keen to meet again (ugh, I don't know what I was thinking) and didn't get a response, unsurprisingly.

Really I should have kept up with this one and tried to get her out a third time.

My coach suggested doing this since I've been in this situation before, see this FR

2nd date: Cuddle on couch, no sex, resistance, minimal kissing
Solution – Next time, say you would like to cook her a meal but on one condition. When she asks what it is, say "I get to see your naughty side *devil smiley*"

With indirect I've been using the "Do you know any good coffee shops around here" or variants of that. This has generally led to platonic conversations and dead ends except in one case where the girl had just moved here from London and said I was asking the wrong person. Conversation was easy after that, we walked down the street and chatted, and I could have easily insta dated her but I had to get back for my first skype coaching session. Darn. Ended up meeting up with her again two weeks later. Will post about that interaction below.

We met up at a bar, annoyingly the stools were fixed to the ground and I couldn't shuffle closer. She was asking me all the questions and I was answering them - I found myself talking about myself for most of the date.

I learnt something very important. It doesn't matter if she's asking you a million questions. Keep your answers short and always turn the situation around so that she's talking more about herself. I've been burned before where a girl has been super interested in me, asked me a ton of questions, I've answered thinking "this is great, she's super interested in me", and then they've gradually lost interest. Even if they won't let you get a word in, they still want to talk about themselves.

Anyway, I dropped the ball. There was no touching in the bar, I suggested going to another one, she enthusiastically agreed. Because it was a Wednesday, the bar I wanted to show her wasn't open. She said that next time I went I had to bring her. It was still early, the date had only gone on for under two hours but she said she should get going and order an uber back. We talked for a bit saying what we were going to do for the rest of the night (it was only 9). I said I wasn't doing anything and said she was free to come over for Netflix if she wanted, but she laughed that off. We hugged goodbye and she left. I haven't messaged her since (this was two days ago) but I will invite her out to that bar next Friday.

 

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Update - In the last month I have been cold approaching more after being pushed by my coach and have had some success . Also have a new LR from Hinge.

The main takeaways for me over the last month have been:

Dates

Right now my dates are following the same structure. Sit down a little far away from her, go off to the toilet or for drinks and come back to sit right next to her. This has been good for physical escalation and makeouts, but I think it's still framing me very much as the pursuer.

I need to shift from pursuer where I use strong physical escalation like obviously sitting next to her and pulling her into me to turn her on, to seducer where I playfully touch her, turn her on through my words, and get into her head so much that she is the one who can't keep her hands off me. Main aspects of this to work on are voice, speaking slowly and confidently, and using more push-pull (I don't really pull back at all and make her wonder if I like her or not, I don't qualify her very much). I think I kind of did this with another Hinge girl (she was visibly rubbing her thighs together when we were talking, excitedly telling me that she had never had a conversation like this with a guy before, didn't want to leave to get to a business meeting she had on and grabbed my hand when we were walking back to the station, and made out with me excitedly and asked when she would be seeing me again)

Didn't sleep with her though - on the first date I found out that the "business" she owned was pretty much a MLM which turned me off. Then on the second date a few days later I found out she was a conspiracy theorist as well and also believed in some other crazy shit. I guess I was qualifying her because I got visibly bored, and when the date ended (I made no effort to pull her) I didn't contact her again. Shame because we had some fun conversations apart from that.

I've found that my going for the pull home is clumsy.

Generally, how it goes is, I invite her back to mine, but say "I have no expectations at all by the way". One of my coaches told me to say this when inviting them over to ease the pressure on them, but I think I'm taking it too far and saying it in an "of course we're not going to sleep together if we go back to mine" way. Need to find a way to make this smoother.


Approaching

It's a small thing, but I like using "Hey" instead of "Excuse me" when approaching since saying "excuse me" always makes me look and sound like a beggar.

So now, if I can't compliment her on something specifically, my standard go to is now "Hey, I know this is going to be random, but I had to tell you that I think you look totally gorgeous". Then that gives me a little more time to process what she's wearing and complement her on something else in particular.

Examples:

1. I used this on stunning tall middle eastern looking girl, and complimented her on her jacket immediately after. This was at a traffic light she was waiting at, so I walked with her and we talked about the weather (ugh). Then she started asking me a bunch of questions and shittesting me. I sort of faltered and couldn't keep up with the conversation. Again, like in my field reports above, I should have turned the conversation around and made it all about her. After a while when I asked her for her schedule but clumsily. She told me she had a boyfriend - not sure how true that

Examples of shittesting: When I asked her if she was up to anything this week, she said "what do you mean, are you saying I don't do anything, I'm always busy" but in a joking tone.

2. I used it on a gorgeous blonde girl walking to the station. She laughed, and said that she just got off a 10 hour shift and so how could I think that. I need a good response to this since that's happened before where I've gone direct and the girl has said that she doesn't look good and just got off work. She then started asking me a bunch of questions, the same as all the other girls. After talking for 10 minutes, I asked her for her number but she smiled and said she had a boyfriend. Hmm

Some other approaches I made (but not the only ones):

3. A tall pretty blonde browsing for christmas lights. I struck up a conversation with her since I was buying lights as well but she seemed preoccupied but was laughing. After a while I straight out just said “Hey so this is going to be random but the actual reason I'm talking to you is I because I thought you were really cute. I’m Moose” I put out my hand and we had an awkward handshake while she laughed embarrassingly and had a bit of a what the hell look on her face. She still looked preoccupied and starting walking past you, still in the same isle.

Don’t remember her exact words after that but I said something like “tis the season” as she walked past.

She said “Bit of a weird place to do that, at XX (the name of the store we were in)” but not in a cold tone, more in a preoccupied, airy sort of way. She continued shopping, remaining in the same isle and looking at the lights.

This is where I folded and conceded defeat, and walked away. But she might have been a maybe girl who was just preoccupied at the time and might otherwise have been open - she didn’t say she had a boyfriend. I think I was afraid she was going to call security on me or something.

Should have joked about it. “Hey, don’t tell me that wouldn’t be a cute story for how we met, browsing for Christmas lights together at (Store)” *Smile*.

4. A tall pretty blonde European looking girl on the street. I walked up to her and told her I noticed her back there and thought she was really cute. Once she cottoned on to what was happening she just said "no, sorry, no" and walked away. Ouch!

Maybe I should have asked her if she was European first.

In general, for approaches I've found that my going for the number is clumsy.

 

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Updates from the last month. Not much to report, the new years festivities killed my momentum (probably using that as an excuse)

First of all I had these interactions which I posted FRs on last year:

Early group ejection and number close on the tram home

First cold approach successes

Around christmas this is what has happened:

Christmas Party
Went to a friends christmas party with another mate of mine on the 23rd. A lot of the women there were in their early 30s (I'm 27). Had a couple of drinks and was extremely outgoing. One of the women kept eyeing me (in retrospect, at the time I was not really paying attention to her)

Later on in the night we had karaoke, and I showed everyone that hey, I can sing (a very small . Had a full room of women just going mental and it felt good. After a while got into conversation with the woman you was eyeing me, got to talking about the new year, she said she wanted to go to X event but had no one to go with. I said that I would go with her and she perked up "really??". We exchanged details, went for day drinks a few days later (she had to meet up with her friends later). It went well, did my standard start of far away then sit next to her (used the excuse of wanting to see her phone closer since she kept showing me stuff on it), then increased physical contact. She told me that she'd made a bet to do 50 bodyweight squats a day. She hadn't done it for that day so I pretty much told her she had to do it here at the bar - after a lot of resistance she did (compliance). Later on, I started to pull back a little more and came across as a bit more indifferent, she pulled in closer herself and we kissed. Later on when she left she asked when she'd see me again and that we should have dinner and drinks - we made plans for the new year a week later. On the day, there was too much smoke (I live in Australia) and she had asthma so she suggested I come over - when I said sure she said actually maybe we should reschedule. I suggested monday to wednesday the next week and she said sure. Monday came, smoke again. But I didn't reach out to her for reasons I'll go into below. A week later I get into contact with her again asking about her asthma, and after a bit of back and forth said we still needed to have that dinner. She said sure but when I suggested a date she didn't respond. I know what happened here - my unexpected radio silence for a week after I said I'd contact her probably killed it.

NYE
I drove to a NYE party on a farm on the 30th/31st/1st The previous day (29th) I had taken LSD with a coworker and so was feeling quite dead to the world. I only knew a few people beforehand so socialized with everyone. I'm getting quite good at being the lone guy going into groups. One group was playing a truth or dare type game and one of the girls there was professing her love for a certain sex act (that starts with a and has four laters), saying that everyone did it and she was the only one brave enough to admit it. She even said she'd love if people called her a*** girl. Well, later on when I had a bit to drink on the dance floor and ran into her, I said "Hey, it's a*** girl!". She gave me the dirtiest look and later on I overheard her shit talking about me, saying she hated me because of what I said and that everyone would have heard. Lol. I did learn a valuable lesson here though - discretion. She obviously felt comfortable around the group about discussing her desires, but I mistakenly thought this translated to the public. Not so. I also took MDMA later on in the night. There were a few other girls who came up to me and danced close but I didn't do anything about it, I was happy just dancing.

But this lead to bigger problems later on. For the next two weeks after New Years my sex drive died. Completely died. I think it was probably a combination of the MDMA and LSD. This is the reason I didn't reach out to Christmas Party girl - I just.. didn't want to. I deleted all my dating apps when I was on LSD too so I didn't even have that. It's coming back now. I re-installed Hinge a few days ago but have hardly had any matches.

Friends playing matchmaker
Was out with a mate last week and he told me a friend of a coworkers (C) had recently got out of a relationship and was looking for something not serious. The next week (last Tuesday) the four of us (me, my mate, his coworker and C) went to a movie. Afterwards we had a couple of drinks and played pool. The coworker and C bought us drinks. At some point we started playing a game where we'd ask each other questions. I used my turn to ask C what her ideal first date was. She told me, and I mentally noted it down. I was my usual sociable self but didn't pay this girl too much attention for most of the time, but when I did I made sure the attention was intense. I think that helped spike her attraction. I didn't get her number but later my friend gave it to me (I know, probably made me seem less dominant) and I texted her two days later, working her ideal first date in there. We've set up day drinks for tomorrow.

Approaches
I've gone backwards and haven't approached this month. This seems to happen to me a lot, make a great push, start getting some positive feedback (like in the FRs I posted earlier) and then withdraw. This time I think it was the killed sex drive over new years that contributed, but I need to get back into it, especially considering my Hinge success seems to be drying up.

Name change
Over the period where my sex drive died, I made another big change (and I think the LSD trip had something to do with it). I started going by my more common middle name (my first name is kind of unusual and nerdy, and I'm not really the biggest fan of it). I've told friends and family, and they've been supportive. Nothing is set in stone yet, and I'm still getting used to it. If it goes well over the next few months, I'll probably end up officially changing it. Now a lot of people here might disagree, but I think, like anything else, your name is also a fundamental. In my case, it conjures up images of a nerdy professor and I can't imagine women moaning it during sex (the few times they have it's been weird). I like the idea of having an unusual name but one that is masculine, and my current name wasn't. The only problem is, my middle name is a little too common, to the point where there are a few people at work called it. But it's something I'll trial and if I can't deal with it after a while then I will go back.

 

[Beam]

This has been a big week. I managed to sleep with two new girls on the first date within four days of each other which I'm really proud of myself for (one on Sunday last week and the other on Thursday). One was the "Friends playing matchmaker" girl from my last journal entry.

Lay reports are here:

LR: Social Circle Lay

LR: Gorgeous brunette from hinge with disappointing end

Each one had very important commonalities.

1. Met up at my usual rooftop bar 10 minutes from my house
2. Had a few drinks, went to another bar for a few more, took genuine interest in her.
3. Started physical escalation in between the two bars and ramped it up at the second venue until we made out. Made sure to cut off the kiss early to tease and leave her wanting more.
4. Went back to mine after a few hours
5. Kissed within 15 minutes of being back at mine.
5. Had sex (but had problems getting it up and lasting long)
6. Told her that "this usually happens the first time with someone new and that it's not her fault, and that I'm still having a good time (I didn't mention this in the lay reports but it is important since apparently I shouldn't be saying that - see below)
6. Discussed her likes and dislikes in bed

These interactions, along with some other recent ones, have highlighted a new sticking point of mine:

I realized it after reading GrandPoobas four part series on keeping a girls self esteem high (thanks @GrandPooba)

I've been careless and have unintentionally been killing girl's self esteems!

Examples:

Christmas Party girl from last journal entry

I went on a date with this girl between christmas and new years.

Quoted from my last journal entry

Later on when she left she asked when she'd see me again and that we should have dinner and drinks - we made plans for the new year a week later. On the day, there was too much smoke (I live in Australia) and she had asthma so she suggested I come over - when I said sure she said actually maybe we should reschedule. I suggested monday to wednesday the next week and she said sure. Monday came, smoke again. But I didn't reach out to her for reasons I'll go into below. A week later I get into contact with her again asking about her asthma, and after a bit of back and forth said we still needed to have that dinner. She said sure but when I suggested a date she didn't respond. I know what happened here - my unexpected radio silence for a week after I said I'd contact her probably killed it.

I was right and lost this one for good. My radio silence killed her self esteem and made her feel like I didn't really value her at all. When I reached out to her asking about dinner and drinks she probably thought all i wanted was to have drinks and then sex - I did make it clear with her that I wasn't after anything serious and so thought the slow texts would be acceptable - wrong move.

Friends playing matchmaker from last journal entry and lay report

I slept with this girl and did make her feel good about herself. She was excited to see me again. She asked for my instagram the night we slept together after she got home (Sunday). I gave it to her.

Three and a half days later I messaged her asking how her week had been, she responded 20 minutes later saying that she was out having drinks and that it was weird because she was about to message me again and asked when she would see me again. This was just before my date with the Hinge girl on Thursday so I didn't respond that night, and responded at 11am the next day saying things had been crazy hence the slow reply and that I was thinking maybe next week.

She responded that night saying she hoped everything was ok and that she thought I was ghosting her (with a smiley). She asked what I was up to tonight and the long weekend - but I was out with mates and didn't respond to her until the next morning, saying what I was doing and asking her to let me know if she was free wednesday or thursday to lock something in. She responded a few hours later saying she was free wednesday. I was out with mates - I didn't respond that day or the next day and only responded this morning, almost two days later. I haven't got a response yet.

My slow responses when she was responding relatively quickly killed her self esteem and made her feel like I didn't really value her at all. My friend told me that she was looking for something casual but I suspect that's not the case - she just came out of a 7 year relationship and so the slow responses were uncommon to her and didn't make her feel good at all. I didn't have the discussion that I wasn't after anything serious with her though.

Main takeaway- Being naturally aloof and slow to respond does not demonstrate high value in all cases- sometimes it just makes girls feel bad about themselves and sends them into auto-rejection. These are two girls I could have become FWBs with.

Sex
When having sex with these girls and struggling to get hard, I told told them that "this usually happens the first time with someone new and that it's not her fault, and that I'm still having a good time".

In GPs own words from the series:

Her read of this was NOT my words as stated. She heard that I couldn’t get hard for her, that it’s happened before, so she’s not special, and that there’s also something fundamentally wrong with me if this has happened with other girls.

What I should be doing instead is keeping it lighthearted and fun:

ED is a tough one. Play it off lightly and natural, and hope for the best: "Sorry babe, I think we've overheated the little guy. A little cuddling ought to get my head straight, haha."

The best thing to do when you have a girl at home is to treat everything with her as if it’s no big deal that she’s in bed with you. A girl’s mind tends to run haywire in the moments before, during, and after sex. She just wants to relax around the guy she wants to accept sex from.

On a side note, GP mentions the “sex talk” routine a lot in this series. Since sex talk is still something I really don’t do much of on dates, I’m linking Aleks article here for my own future reference:

How to Use Sex Talk to Set a Sexual Tone and Mood

Today, I wanted to make a quick introduction to using sex talk in sexual framing after reading many requests from our readers. It seems sexual framing is a popular topic around here, and since there’ve been a number of requests for more information about this, I'm happy to oblige. I thought that...

www.girlschase.com

 

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Update: Got a reply from my "friends playing matchmaker" girl (who I'll refer to as F from now) and we've set aside next monday to meet up. It's oonnn

 

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30/1/20

Failed to escalate properly on a first date with a pretty girl today. I think I know where it went wrong.

FR Here

Will try to get her out again closer to my place but not liking my chances.

Summary:
Avoid sitting opposite her from the second venue onwards, be bolder.

Sex talk. I'm finding that I'm more uncomfortable talking about it the more experienced the girl seems. Seems counterintuitive, but it seems like if I start talking about it she'll know more than me so might catch me out? I'm not sure, probably irrational.

Snippets of conversation we had were filled with innuendo (the spitting vs swallowing comment for instance) but I was too afraid to make a joke out of it...

I've realized that I am more reluctant to do playful stuff like walking arm in arm with girls who seem more experienced and mature (this girl was like that, she was one year older than me too) because I feel like I'm coming of as immature in her eyes, which is of course ridiculous because the very act of doing this shows you are comfortable and demonstrates way more confidence and experience than she probably has. For the ones I see as silly as cute it's easy but for these ones I find it harder to do so.

 

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Girl from my last post is keen to meet up again. See the FR (link above) where I've put up another post with the status.

Went on another first date today. From her pictures the girl was cute, but in person I just did not feel any physical attraction. We had a polite few hours and ended it. Texted her saying I had a fun time talking with her (which was true) but that I didn't feel a romantic connection, so suggested ending things. She thanked me for sending that saying it was rare. I'm trying to be a bit less callous now since I think I've hurt a lot of people by just cutting them off and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

Went out both Friday and Saturday:

OR from Friday here

Went out on Saturday with friends. On the way there I spotted a cute girl at the tram stop, we got on and she sat right near me. After a short while I got her attention and told her I loved her outfit (but I fumbled over my words, this is the first daytime approach I've done in a while). She thanked me and went back to her phone. I kept at it and asked her where she was headed - to which she replied the street we were on - she then asked me where I was headed and I told her. This girl sounded like she was from overseas. However she just went back to her phone so I cut my losses and stopped talking to her. When she got of she said "have a nice evening" with a bit of a confused look on her face. I should have kept conversing to see what would have happened but I suspect she wasn't interested.

When I was out with friends I got a bit too drunk - didn't get any IOIs and got shut down when I approached.

Based on feedback, this is how I should be prioritizing (I've definitely been putting scouting for women ahead of being social and they can sense this)

1st - Be Social (Talk to everyone - bouncers, guys, girls I don't find attractive, everyone)
2nd - Attract women
3rd- Act on the women's attraction

I decided to cancel Mondays date with the girl I previously slept with. I just think she's a bit too big for me and don't want to continue with it, really... I feel terrible saying it but I felt sort of embarrassed being out in public with her and would rather focus on girls I actually dig. Will try to keep texting her to get a purely no strings attached arrangement happening so that she can just come to mine, because she would be good practice. I feel like a totally horrible person for this though...

 

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Updates!

Haven't focused too much on girls over the last two weeks due to some major life developments:

1. It's not set in stone yet (reference checks) but I've been offered a job in the field I want to be in (essentially a dream job for any engineer who graduated with my degree) which will start in a few weeks!

2. Got my motorbike learner permit meaning I can now go out, buy a bike and ride it legally (and ride with my friends). Have to wear a high vis for now so won't look sexy doing it.. for a while

But there have been some updates:

Girl from my last post is keen to meet up again. See the FR (link above) where I've put up another post with the status.

Second date went well - it was a small dinner and I left early since I had to get up early the next morning for the motorbike test. I've invited her over for dinner at my place this wednesday and she's agreed.

I decided to cancel Mondays date with the girl I previously slept with. I just think she's a bit too big for me and don't want to continue with it, really... I feel terrible saying it but I felt sort of embarrassed being out in public with her and would rather focus on girls I actually dig. Will try to keep texting her to get a purely no strings attached arrangement happening so that she can just come to mine, because she would be good practice. I feel like a totally horrible person for this though...

I'm still talking to this chick but haven't got her out again. She's the one who has been initiating conversation.

There was another girl who I went on a date with (detailed here in my post from Feb 5th) who started responding really slowly after the date and has now stopped completely. Bummer.

 

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More updates:

My major life developments:

1. It's not set in stone yet (reference checks) but I've been offered a job in the field I want to be in (essentially a dream job for any engineer who graduated with my degree) which will start in a few weeks!

It is now set it stone. I put in my resignation today and am due to start in five weeks.

On this:

Second date went well - it was a small dinner and I left early since I had to get up early the next morning for the motorbike test. I've invited her over for dinner at my place this wednesday and she's agreed.

FR++ for the third at my house here

After not responding to my text from Thursday, I texted her again today saying "Hey V, how are you keeping?" and got a response two hours later "Hey hey, I'm good how are you?" Still haven't responded yet.

On this:

I'm still talking to this chick but haven't got her out again. She's the one who has been initiating conversation.

This one is now dead.

Gorgeous brunette girl:
The gorgeous brunette girl I slept with a month ago (LR here) ended it. See the LR for details.

I'm really really cut up about this one - it's the first time I lost a girl I actually really liked because of my performance in bed. (I've lost others to it before I'm sure, but I didn't really mind those ones too much.. It really, really hurts and I'm not feeling too good about myself at the moment. Honestly feel like I'm never going to get over these sexual issues tbh and I'm going to be stuck disappointing girls for life. I actually cried about it today, not just about this girl but about the situation in general.

Outings today (25/02/20):

Went out for an hour today after work before my doctors appointment to do some day game - but was paralyzed by AA. There was a sexy girl walking in front of me but quite far ahead - I honestly felt like running after her but then that little voice in my head said no. There were a few more opportunities that I let go as well, like a cute blonde who was walking over to me. I thought of a good opener to use "hey, you look like the sort of girl who would know some good places to go out around here on a Tuesday night!" but didn't use it in the end since I didn't run into anyone I wanted to use it on after that before I had to go back to the doctors.

When I got home, I dressed up and headed out again (I cried before heading out). It was dark now. Again, a few girls passed me by but I didn't do anything (rationalized that it was too dark so it'd be weird). Got on the tram, headed into the city. This very attractive brunette chick walked past me looking preoccupied - kicked myself for not running back to talk to her but just kept thinking how weird it would be, especially at night.

I kept walking and saw this cute tall European chick looking confused, and I wanted to go up and tell her that and to ask if I could help, but I didn't end up doing it. Rationalized to myself that she looked too young and that, in my experience, girls who look like that have never been interested in me. In fact, this is a big part of my AA. It's so much easier to approach girls who look like girls I've been with before or who I've known have found me attractive. But the really really hot girls that I really want, that I am afraid to approach, I am afraid to because they look exactly like the girls that have shut me down or looked at me like I'm dirt when I've tried talking to them over the years in nightgame.

If I had had positive experiences with girls like this over the years I can't help but think things would be different. And it's the exact same type of girl too - the young, really attractive, very european looking ones who are slightly shorter than me (I'm 5'9) and taller with heels. This is one type of girl I really want to crack to get over this. What sucks even more is that these same types of girls have fallen over themselves for my friends and I've seen it first hand.

Also saw two really really hot european looking blonde chicks crossing the road but they looked very young.

I decided to head to a bar. I sat down at a table and ordered a drink - most people were out in small groups of two or three. I rationalized to myself that if these people were out on a weekday in a small group, they obviously had something on and so wouldn't want to be disturbed by some rando. Had my drink, left and came home. Time out - 2 hours. Number of approaches - 0. Not the outcome I wanted especially since I told @Tony D I was going to go out and approach. But at least I went out there and learned something about myself.

 

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Second date went well - it was a small dinner and I left early since I had to get up early the next morning for the motorbike test. I've invited her over for dinner at my place this wednesday and she's agreed.

FR++ for the third at my house here

After not responding to my text from Thursday, I texted her again today saying "Hey V, how are you keeping?" and got a response two hours later "Hey hey, I'm good how are you?" Still haven't responded yet.

So, I lost this girl. In the same week I lost the gorgeous one I slept with a month ago. I've tried digging deeper into myself to find out why here:

FU Lost two girls in a single week

Main lessons:

1. I can not ever let frustration and bitterness take over me when I don't perform. Because if I let it take over me, the girl notices and it makes her uncomfortable, and it also means I withdraw into my own head when what I should be doing is being present with her and trying to please her. I feel like she probably saw me as quite selfish after I lasted 20 seconds, then got up, dressed and went to work after she waited all night. And I don't blame her for thinking that one bit.

2. I need to stop taking girls who are interested in me for granted. I have been forgetting that I continuously need to be turning them on and giving them an experience, instead of just getting lazy and complacent because they've made things so easy and just expecting them to be passively turned on by me.

But I think there's something else going on too - something deeper. A deep lingering resentment and a sweet sense of satisfaction at being uncaring - because of being rejected so much in the past I feel like on some level, I'm trying to get some petty revenge by being slow to respond to texts/being a selfish dick. Obviously this is not a healthy attitude to have and is the complete opposite of what I'm trying to be - a lover of women. It is also making me miserable.

Day game: 26/02/20 and 27/02/20

Went out again after work yesterday and still could not approach a single girl. Even though I was dressed pretty nicely, I still felt like a troll next to all the hot girls walking around and used that as a reason not to approach. I reasoned that I needed to look better than them - that would give me the confidence to approach them. So I ran an experiment and decided to wear a blazer today to work for the first time.

But as luck would have it I ended up working much later than usual and work got me down and stressed - so when I left and went to the shops I looked like a million bucks (and I noticed some very cute girls checking me out too) but I was anxious thinking about work and in my head so still didn't approach. But, I felt powerful wearing that blazer. I think I'm going to start wearing them more often. If I want to have a chance with these girls who are dressed to the nines going to work, I need to lift my game to at least put in the same about of effort they do every day.

 

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28/02/20

FR+/FU

Decided to wear a blazer out for the first time ever and travel to a large venue 25 minutes away from my place as opposed to the smaller ones close by. Ordered an uber and spotted a cute girl and a guy in the back. I noticed the girl looking at me and when I got in she immediately greeted me. We chatted back and forth the entire trip - she commented on how smart I looked. Immediately felt so much better than I usually do. When I got to the venue I actually felt like I fit in and looked better than a lot of the hot girls. I got a lot of looks and felt like the man, but still struggled to get into a social state and just talk to random girls. I feel like I was comforted in the fact that if people saw me alone they were just assuming I was going to find my friends.

Random brunette girl

Ran into this guy in the toilet who was super drunk and we both ragged on some dude pissing in the cubicle. After coming out of the toilet i saw him at a table with a guy and two girls - one cute brunette (B) and a cute asian (C). I went over a greeted the dude, we got talking and I told him I was flying solo. After this the convo died off and I went to sit down somewhere close by with my phone. After a while the brunette came and sat down next to me - she started loudly saying that C had sprayed perfume on her and she was trying to get away from it. I knew this was an IOI so I turned around with an amused look on my face and asked her what happened. She repeated again that C had sprayed perfume on her and asked me if she smelled like a slut - I leaned in and smelt her. And.. I said yes - she was not impressed by that... man I think I'm on the spectrum or something. I just didn't know wtf to say. Should have said "what does a slut even smell like?" She was not impressed. She immediately goes telling C that I said she smelt like a slut and C starts shitting on me about it too. I ask B what I smelled like - she leans in and says I smell like a manwhore. lol. After this B went off on her phone. Managed to get into a convo with C about the perfume, which turned out to be the female version of the one I was wearing - C said this means that I smelt like a slut too and I agreed with her that I am a slut.

I did not handle this one well. Just like anal girl from NYE, the girls are allowed to say this shit but if you say anything that implies they're a slut they will fucking hate you even if they started the conversation, lol. After this C started ignoring me and I left to go to the bar.

Hot Asian Girl

When I got to the bar there as a guy and a hot asian (A) chick waiting there. The guy greeted me and complimented me on my shirt - I did the same for his because I liked it. I found out after a short convo that they weren't together - the guy then left and I ordered my drink while talking to A. Honestly, the conversation was really difficult and stunted since I could barely hear what she was saying and she kept talking about the coronavirus and how we were all going to get it in a crowded place like this. I got my drink and the bartender left without even asking for my card. Free drink! A starts joking around about that saying of course I got a free drink. After a while I sat down and A was still there. I told her about a whisky bar that I was heading to later- she said I should go check it out but I said I was perfectly happy sitting here and I think she liked that. We chatted some more, she was getting very close but I got the feeling she was just really drunk and that's why I could barely understand what was going on. Honestly in this case I should have pulled her in for a kiss since I could tell she wanted it and I wasn't going to get anywhere by talking (since she kept looping it back to the coronavirus, the hell?) I sort of lost interest at this point and she went back to her friends.

Cute English Girl

Beating myself up about this one - mainly because I was a complete idiot and didn't stay in set. I'll try to figure out what my thought processes were that led to me doing that.

In summary, went up to the balcony and sat down - there was a cute girl (E) next to me taking photos of the pier and beach. I asked if if she wanted me to take a photo with her in it and she immediately hooked, putting her mouth up right to my cheek so it was touching to say that that would be wankerish. We bantered back and forth with her getting very physical fast. At one point her coworker (a dude in his 40s) (Y) came up and started joking around about her being loose - but said that I looked sharp and gave his approval and jokingly said that I better not fuck it up! She was so embarrassed and apologized for it, then 10 seconds later we were kissing and Y starts cheering and saying he knew I had game (if only he knew the truth, lol). Her other friends also came up smiling to talk but then at one point they all left us alone together - four other cute girls came to their table and were glancing over at us and smiling.

At some point in the conversation I told her I came out on my own and she loved that. She also said that I was free to go and talk to other people. I said I was perfectly happy where I was and at that point she immediately leaned in and starts kissing me again. That was a good line.

Then I said that in case we do get separated, I'd love to get her number. She gave it without hesitation and I called it - the cute girls behind us warned her that her phone was ringing and when they realized it was me they beamed. After a while she asked if I did coke and said her friends were doing it inside. I said sure and we went in - I got introduced to everyone else and sat down.

The fuck up:

E got up and left to go somewhere - I didn't know where but I'm assuming now it was the toilet. So I was there talking with her friends. They were all friendly and welcoming and showed no signs that I was unwelcome. After 5 minutes though, the bartender came and said that we had to leave and go downstairs since this area was closing up. Y gets up and heads out - I then got up and followed him out without saying a word to the girls - quite quickly. This was so stupid in retrospect but my line of reasoning was that we were getting kicked out anyway, I'd go with Y and join them downstairs. I should have stayed with the girls... Writing this out hurts.

In summary, I got downstairs, lost Y, then walked around, and after a while stumbled across two of the friends - they told me "my girl" was upstairs and then headed to the bathroom. I headed upstairs to try and find her but couldn't. So I went downstairs, started dancing and lo and behold, after 5 minutes E came with a friend of hers and saw me. I could already tell that she was hurt and I'd lost her. We greeted each other and she went off somewhere else. Then came back, we danced and kissed a bit, then she said she had to go find her friends. I should have said that they were grown adults, they would be fine. But I took her hand and said we should find them. She was distracted, then after a while let go to find them. I cut my losses and went back to the dance floor. Later on I ran into Y and he told me "I fucked it up" jokingly. Yes I did. Later on I saw E, she was hugging another guy and seemed to have made friends with another group.

The next day (today) I texted her but I haven't gotten a response.

I'm trying to think of why I just got up and left the table full of women who were all rooting for me to hook up with E:

Ego. I felt weird just waiting there with her friends for her - despite her friends universally giving me their approval and enjoying my company. I just felt like I kind of wanted to disappear for a short time then head back to, I'm not sure, regain some power? But it fell apart when I didn't come back - E probably came back expecting to see me and they would have told her that I just got up and left without saying a word - she probably thought I wasn't that interested and so withdrew. Acting too cool doesn't work and just pisses people off/makes people suspicious of you. I struggle with this - once I get attention it goes to my head.

Main lessons:

- Stay in set stay in set stay in set. I know my ego is telling me to go away for a bit and leave them missing me but I got so many better reactions when the girls knew I had the option of leaving but chose to stay there with them. I had her friends on my side rooting for me and I threw it all away.

- I still only opened easy sets - the ones where the girl was on her own, standing at the bar, or sitting next to me. I'm not yet bold enough to approach groups sitting down (or even single girls sitting down)

- Blazers are amazing and I am definitely going to be wearing them out so much more from now on.

- If the girl asks if I want to leave or gives me the option - say that I'm perfectly happy where I am. Also tell her that in case we do get separated, we should exchange numbers. This demonstrates that you can choose to leave if you want but are enjoying her company so much that you are choosing to stay with her.

 

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29/02/20

FR

Went out again in my blazer - this time to the smaller venues near me. I wanted to see how the blazer would fair here. First stopped at the place I went to last week, sat down at a table with two chicks who were overweight. They were complaining about how hot the gas heater was - I used this as an opportunity to break into the conversation since I was sitting down right under it. After looking around to try to find out how to turn it off - we couldn't find the switch and so I sat down again. Had one drink and left.

Tried another bar - got in and went upstairs for another drink. Still relying too much on alcohol... Got complimented on looking sharp from a couple of good looking dudes which felt good. Started lightly chatting with them. After walking around I spotted a table with two guys sitting down - went to sit with them and one of them (a small asian dude) welcome me immediately. First I thought he was high but he was a little drunk. This dude was called S and as you'll find out later, this dude was an absolute model of what I should be like. I soon found out he didn't know the other guy sitting there but I thought they were old friends. Some girls came to sit down near us - S asked one of them if they'd met me (M). They said nice to meet me then left soon after. S got up, invited me downstairs to dance, then did the same thing with a group of girls (have you met my friend M?). I definitely felt like the follower in this situation - he was the one brave enough to open them.

We downstairs to dance and ran into even more people that S knew. He was shaking hands with everyone and introducing me to them. I found out that there were only two other people there he actually knew beforehand. He introduced me to a girl who looked exactly like a brunette Amy Adams (A) - it was uncanny. I hung around with them throughout the night dancing but not really pulling away from the group. At some point in the night I knew like the ten people surrounding me and felt completely at ease - this was fun and way better than being a loner. Still, it was S who'd brought us all together - he was the glue. After this venue closed we left - at this point S was way too drunk and went home.

A few others were going to a bar in the city but I really wasn't keen on venturing out that far, so I chose to go to another one nearby. When I got in there I ran into A again but split up to go to the toilet. When I got back I leaned against a table near some other guys - we start chatting and I ended up there pretty much the entire night. At some point, one of their female friends came up to talk to us - she was very confident - like grabbing their hands and licking them (she did that to my hand at one point too while staring me in the eyes, lol). But I was complacent, stayed in my comfort zone and kept talking with the guys until I left an hour later.

In summary, even though I started out alone I managed to join two separate groups in a single night who welcomed me with open arms. The only problem is I clung onto these groups the entire night because I was still afraid of going off on my own to approach others. I need to model myself on S. I could tell A (who'd just met him that night) was very into him. At one point she told me "I just want to package him up, put him in my bag and never let him go" when we were talking about him.

I'm very much still a follower waiting for opportunities, waiting for things to happen to me, waiting for other guys to take the lead instead of being the guy who takes the lead, happily following them. This is a real personality flaw.

But to give myself some credit, I was bold in that in all instances where I joined the groups, I was the one who initiated conversation. I didn't just sit there sheepishly waiting for them to invite me in.

 

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06/03/20

FR

Donned the blazer and drove myself (so that I wouldn't rely on alcohol) to the venue I went to last week. Did a whole lot of sitting around before mustering up the courage to chat to a few people. Opened a cute (but young) girl on the dancefloor but she didn't react at all, then her annoying friend start getting up in my face *putting her hand up in my face* singing "bye bye bye* to the tune of whatever song was playing. The girl who I initially opened later asked if I could take a photo of them - so maybe they didn't think I was a total weirdo after all. After a little while I left to get maccas - on the way there there were some dudes making barking noises, so I thought fuck it and joined in. This immediately made me feel more confident and masculine for some reason. When I got into maccas and got my food, I sat down next to three cute girls and confidently opened them about their night. One turned away - she was gone. Got up five minutes later to vom. Chatting with the others found out one was American (A) and two were English. A (the least cutest of the three and designated driver) was the most engaged and when I broke off the conversation, she kept looking back at me expectantly with a smile for my reaction to what they were talking about. When the drunk friend came back they said they had to leave and got up, and A put out her hand for me to shake with a beam, then the other English girl did the same. The drunk one was just dead to the world. I should have gone for the number at this point but didn't really feel like it. Got up again, went for more food, then came back and started chatting to another English guy who was sitting down. After this I left, started heading back to the venue and started talking to another dude along the way there who was lost. When I got to the venue I was feeling really good, it felt like my social momentum was unstoppable but the moment I got in and started looking for sets to open, it started seeping away the longer I waited, the self doubt started creeping back in and never left. Disappointing end.

 

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07/03/20

Last night I was out with family, then joined friends for boardgames and only got home at 12:30AM. But it was Saturday and I was kicking myself at the thought of wasting it. I decided to head out to the place near me in my denim jacket. I made a focus to try and get it tune with that same masculine energy I briefly had last night. That's a key that I've been missing this whole time - just being about to almost dumb myself down and not think so much. 5 minutes after leaving my house I ran into a cowboy costume party which had just wrapped up, asked what the event was and got chatting to two of the guy there. Kept walking and overheard a few of the people from the party arguing about whether they should go to the bar dressed like this or not. As I walked past, I loudly said that they should, that it would be great, and the girls all responded positively to that. But I kept walking and broke contact after that. I do this a lot, I think part of it is because girls have been weirded out before when I've stopped to chat but this is just a calibration issue.

Got to the bar, a few of the people from the cowboy party got rejected - I loudly asked them if they had and they smiled and said yes. I said that was bullshit. Cute girl in front of me turns around and smiles and asks if she'll be able to get in with her kebab. I said you might need to hide it and she sneaks it in her clothes. After getting into the venue she found what I assumed was her boyfriend and went off with him.

Walked around, walked around! Stood around, these two little cute blondes got really close and started bumping into me and looking back. Turned around and one of their friends (a brunette who was a little bigger but still alright looking) was just standing there smiling at me. I smiled back but left to get a drink because I didn't know how to open the set. Fuck what's wrong with me I should be past this by now. I need to sit down and nut out canned openers to use in these situations. In fact there was one that I knew beforehand "You can't just look at me like that and not say something" but I completely forgot about it at the time.

At the bar, three girls came up next to me. I decided to use Cajuns "Do you think I look like a drug dealer" routine at the bar. The three girls all started laughing and one said "Yes, look at your fancy thin wallet, only drug dealers have those". I acted offended, then they asked me if I actually did have weed - I said no. But I ejected from the set early and wished them luck on their journey to find it, while smiling and grabbing one by the shoulder.

I used this again on two girls later on on the dancefloor. One was big and the other was a small blonde who looked 18. The big one said "No your jackets too good" while blondie just gave me the stink eye and moved as far away from me as she could. Lol.

I think my body language was off and that's the reason I got such a negative reaction was because I was just standing around for 5 minutes just hovering before I decided to go up to them and they probably noticed that.

Later I saw a girl just dancing in her own world staring at the TV, I opened her saying I loved how she was just in her own world. She laughed but then went back to whatever she was doing and I ejected.

At the bar again, the bartender remembered my order, I jokingly asked the girl next to me if the fact the bartender remembered my order meant I was an alcoholic. She gave a little laugh but I'm not sure if she could hear me, then left soon after.


Summary: I'm still seeing and basing my identity right now on being the friendly guy who is talking to everyone but on the periphery. I'm not seeing myself as the guy who actually has a chance, goes in ruthlessly and takes girls home. Still ejecting way too soon because I'm lacking self belief in my ability to close. I need to get more in tune with my masculine energy, while not being too overbearing.

I've been ignoring conversation routines all this time, but I really need to sit down and focus on committing them to memory so I have backup tools to work with and don't freeze when the moment comes.

 

[Beam]

11/3/20

Did a daytime cold approach today for the first time in ages. I was wearing my blazer out and stopped by the supermarket with the intention of approaching at least one girl. As soon as I entered all my confidence melted away and I felt like a nervous little boy even though I was the best dressed in the whole place. It's funny how one minute you feel like the most powerful person in the world and the next minute you feel like a kid playing dress up - this is the transition that happened when I walked into the supermarket and it is yet another reminder that while what you're wearing can help, your attitude is the most important aspect of all and can make or break you.

Anyway, I spotted a gorgeous brunette in one of the isles and chickened out - then I saw her again next to me while I was browsing for something else and she started to walk away. Not this time! I stopped her: "Hey, this is going to be pretty unusual but I had to tell you that you look totally gorgeous". At least, that's what I meant to say, I completely fumbled over my words but the "gorgeous" was definitely in there. She looked surprised but also tired (not in a bad way, as in actually looked like she wanted to fall asleep).

She thanked me and I put out my hand "my name is M".

At this point she took it but said sincerely (and almost apologetically) "Thank you so much, but I have a boyfriend. But you've made my day" We then parted ways.

Lessons:

I'm very rusty with daytime cold approaches - I fumbled over my words with this one the same way I did when I first started doing this back in June last year. Just goes to show how important keeping at this is.

You can't build a tower on a shaky foundation. I looked bloody great, I was dressed to the nines and yet I still felt like a nervous little boy. Your attitude, what you are on the inside is so much more important than what you are wearing. I'm using my external appearance as a crutch instead of addressing the real problems. I should be confident enough to approach beautiful women even if I'm wearing a t-shirt with messy hair and looking like shit. That is the confidence I need to strive for. Not approaching because you feel like you don't look good enough in that particular moment is stupid, because I was dressed to the nines and still got nervous and chickened out of approaching (at least I approached one)

 

[Beam]

FR from last Friday here. In summary, this girl stopped responding to my texts which kinda sucked. Besides what was in the FR I texted her this the following Monday after no response for two days:

M: Uh oh, radio silence. Did the virus get you? Abducted by aliens? Blink twice if you need help, otherwise I'm going to have to assume the worst.

This was a line I found somewhere else to use in case they didn't respond. I've used it twice now and it hasn't worked. It didn't work this time. So that's that.

I went out with a mate of mine on Saturday (I really should have gone out on my own). It was fun and good catching up, but I reverted back to my old self and did not approach anyone at all. I did tell him about the previous night I went out on my own and he seemed intrigued, but when I started talking to him about opening sets together and strategies to use he sort of got a bit weirded out - he relies on getting drunk and "letting things just happen naturally" after that. So I don't think he'll be a good wing (not that I'll need one for a few months now that the bars are going to be closed)

Apart from that, I've been able to put a face to the sort of girl that has always shut me down hard despite going for my friends. Anna Kalinskaya. It's almost uncanny in that when I look at her a rush of bad memories come flooding back. Everything from the face to the height (she's my height). This is the sort of girl I want to be able to sleep with at least once in my life.

I also made a daytime (well, nighttime but in the supermarket approach) yesterday. This is a funny one, because just a couple of days before I was watching a movie with Alison Brie in it and realized she embodied the physical type I would want in a partner to the tee. And as I was walking around the supermarket last night, one of the girls working there looked exactly like Alison Brie. It's like the gods came down and presented me with this opportunity...

So what happened was, she was walking with another coworker discussing something about restocking, then later on they separated and she was on her own stocking items. I went into the lane and feigned a question, asking when the toilet paper was going to be restocked the following morning. She told me, then I started making light chit chat. After a while I thanked her, but then told her she looked exactly like Alison Brie. She didn't know who that was, but told me that she gets Zooey Deschanel a lot. So I googled Allison Brie and went up to her, showing her the google images - she looked flattered and said "thank you". Like an idiot, I then ejected thanking her again for telling me about the toilet paper... As I walked away she said "it was nice meeting you". Kicked myself on the way home. Should have gone direct and tried to number close at least. Part of me didn't want to be the guy bugging her at work. I also felt like I looked shit with a tshirt and messy hair (I'd just gotten back from my friends place). An opportunity from the Gods, but I failed.

My biggest hurdle is myself, not pushing myself enough with daygame...

 

[Beam]

So, not much of an update in the last two weeks obviously with the lockdowns.

Finally bought my motorbike and gear, going to practice riding over the next week now that I'm in between jobs and traffic is lighter.

Speaking of jobs, there is a chance my new job might fall through because of the virus - if not, my start date will either be delayed or I'll start working part time from home and ramping up from there. Either way, pretty shitty situation.

On girls, it's pretty much all been online:

1. Had a phone date on saturday and she came over to mine yesterday. Details in the post. What I didn't really discuss was how else I defended myself when she asked what I was looking for. This managed to turn her around from "we're incompatible" to "I think we should meet up. Let's do tomorrow?"

FYI the reason she said we were "incompatible" is because she said she said she was looking for something serious and didn't generally sleep with people for months (i ribbed her about that) and me telling her upfront that I wasn't looking for anything serious and was most likely not going to be able to offer her what she wanted).

Now of course there was more to it than just that, especially trying to get around the "incompatible" part. In summary I defended myself quite well when she probed into why I wasn't looking for anything serious, saying that I would be open to a relationship if I really liked hanging out with the girl and other priorities didn't get in the way, which she probably saw as a challenge (I'll go into that in more detail in my journal if you're interested). But the phone tip anyone can use!

The main things she said and how I defended myself (not necessarily truthfully but in a way that displayed high value but was also warm), for future reference (the most important parts that show I'm not a heartless bastard are bolded):

H: "What are you looking for"
M: "I'm not really looking for anything serious at the moment, not for the next couple of years at least"

H: "Why not?"
M: Because I have other priorities in life that I'm working on at the moment, and I wouldn't be able to give a girl the time she deserves in a relationship"

H: *disappointed and matter of factly* Looks like we're not going to be compatible then.

I ignored this completely and kept talking to her, changing the topic of conversation. Later on in the conversation (like 15 minutes later) she brought it up again.

H: This is something I just thought of. And I really want to know the answer. What happens to the girls you do see, what does your dating life actually look like?"
M: "Generally I get to know the girl, we enjoy each others company, we sleep together, but it's generally not serious because of what I said before"

H: "But you end things. How do you end things? Do you ghost them?"
M: I never ghost girls. Ghosting is a really shitty thing to do to someone. Generally things end naturally, we go our separate ways. If I want to end things I will tell the girl that upfront. And sometimes they'll tell me. (this last part is negative preselection, I probably could have left this part out completely but maybe it helped make me more attainable? I don't know)

H: "But if you enjoy each others company, why would you end things?"
M: If I'm enjoying her company I don't end things abruptly. That's silly, why would I do that? I end things abruptly if I feel we're not compatible anymore. If I'm enjoying her company I'll keep hanging out with her, as long as I can! It's only that sometimes other priorities just naturally come up and get in the way, which I don't really like. And I am upfront with her from the start about not wanting anything serious, so she knows what to expect and doesn't get hurt.

H: "Ok, but if you really really liked her, and enjoyed her company, why let her go? Why don't you want a relationship? Why not make more effort and try for a relationship?"

M: I never said I didn't want a relationship. I honestly do. I said that I can't give a girl the time she deserves in one because of the life situation I'm in right now, but that will probably change in a few years.

That seemed good enough for her. Half an hour later and she was suggesting we meet up.

2. There was another girl I had good banter with, managed to get her number, but then after texting back and forth for a bit I misinterpreted something she said as an insult (felt like she was genuinely pissed and shitting on me for being willing to break self isolation to meet up with her). My response was pretty weak explaining the job situation and how I thought it'd be fun to meet up with her since she seemed cool and funny, to make light of a shitty situation, but that i was wrong and wishing her a nice life. I'm not proud of it. I failed her shit test. She responded with her sympathies about the whole job situation and then added. "That said, you blew up pretty quick there so I'm going to opt out. Best of luck!" Ouch. I tried getting her on a phone call to try to save the situation but I think we all know that it was going to be futile. Her responses were pretty much "I'd rather not"

Real shame. She was actually funny and if I'd not added the "i was wrong. have a nice life" I would have been able to get her out eventually, because the first part of my text was actually heartfelt and a good response to why I was willing to break self isolation to meet up.

I knew better... don't ever be confrontational and butthurt. Ever. If she's responding to you that's all that matters, you're getting a reaction out of her and that's what matters. Even if it seems like she's insulting you and tearing you down. Maintain frame. Be the positive one. And if you are doing something that she might think is stupid and irresponsible (breaking self isolation to meet up) have a damn good reason for it. I'm going to screenshot this conversation with her as a constant reminder to myself.