Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[Teevster]

Not sure if this is directed at me, but I never doubted her that she was telling the truth....

Was directed at me. And I doubt she is being fully truthful.

-Teevster

 

[Velasco]

Not sure if this is directed at me, but I never doubted her that she was telling the truth....

it was directed at teevster

 

[HeartOfChaos]

This.

I made similar statement in the other thread. Depressed girls tend to favor abuse. It is dark, it is terrible and it is no excuse to treat her poorly. However, this is important because this to me proves that OPs so called "mistreating" (I dont think he mistreated her, but it is framed like it in this thread) is not the main cause behind this break-up. Such girls tend to cling to "toxic" relationships.

-Teevster

I myself don't think I mistreated her. I always encouraged her, did yoga with her (I was doing ashtanga yoga on my own on and off for years), tried to help her find a job, got her in touch with a CEO of a company in the line of work she was interested in, took her out into the countryside to a few of my favourite places, gently suggested a while back that we take a holiday abroad together in future...She acknowledged all this herself.

The main "mistreatment" was not wanting to connect with her on social media (Instagram) as I barely use it myself, and not really feeling up to meeting her friends, or inviting her to my place (I always went to hers), but my place isn't optimal for meetings, and I tried to explain this to her...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

meeting her friends
doing couple activities (eating out, going shopping together, going to the movies, going to the amusement park, the beach, taking a trip out of the city etc.)
meeting her parents
talking about long term plans

from my understanding he didn’t do any of that. but was planning to. eventually.

then don’t offer advice about something you don’t know about

Let's see:

meeting her friends - correct, didn't do this

doing couple activities - I took her to the beach twice (literally a week before break up, she loved it), took her for long walks in various parks, did yoga with her in parks, went to a couple of museums...tried gently suggesting a few times that it would be nice to go abroad for a vacation together sometime in future (I explicitly even mentioned the city that we both wanted to visit)... granted, I didn't to the eating out / shopping stuff together really, but we ate in a lot... I was meant to see a film with her on the day of our anniversary - which did not happen of course

meeting her parents -didn't do this but I think she may not have been up for this anyway...not sure

talking about long term plans - didn't really do this. I tried to help her with getting a job as much as I could. She is on a graduate visa which means if she doesn't get a job with a certain salary threshold in next year and a half, she'd need to leave the country

Again: She was away for a total of 4 months out of 12 that we've been together. I would for sure try to do more couply stuff if she was here for longer. So a lot of the couple activities were sort of crammed together, and I agree during winter months it was mostly hanging out at her place... But she is a very domestic girl...And I have a full time job, was struggling with other responsibilities (working on my own side hustle, other shit)...I tried to dedicate as much time as i could on her, always saw her twice a week, messaged her daily...Did more for her and talked to her more than with any other girl before

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Was directed at me. And I doubt she is being fully truthful.

-Teevster

I don't know...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

One thing I will say here. At the very beginning I was approaching her from "trying to fuck her quickly" frame. Back then, from our initial interactions (before we had sex on 3rd/4th date or something like that) she was saying stuff like "you probably just wanna fuck me not date me...If you were seriously interested in me you'd invite me somewhere to talk...We don't anything about each other..."


Later on, she was a bit confused and under the impression that we were not "seriously together" for quite a long time, maybe many months. Back around valentine's day, so around 6 months into the "relationship", she wrote on the card "I don't know what we are but time flies when I am with you...Will you be my valentine?...Blah blah blah"

The trouble is that at this point in time, I only saw her in person for maybe 3 months, as she was away so much...

I understand and acknowledge I should have been more explicit back then, but alas...

So I am confused myself to understand if it's really my fault for the break up for not being more clear and "couply", but I did try, in a perhaps weird way, but I did... Or is it her mental state...Or both...

But as Teevster said... I'd have expected a more clear ultimatum from her, it never came... She said to me at break up that she felt like she was "forcing" herself to be with me but did not have the courage to say it before...So maybe not my fault at all...

I just wish to somehow rectify the situation.

 

[KJ Francis]

From my own experience you can do all sorts of couple stuff, have incredibly romantic countryside adventures, and have her absolutely obsessed with you... Yet still have her feel like "the hidden woman".

The main "mistreatment" was not wanting to connect with her on social media (Instagram) as I barely use it myself, and not really feeling up to meeting her friends

The social validation is missing. You weren't "Facebook official" as they used to call it.

If her sense of social safety evolved from a need for you to protect her during pregnant vulnerability, then not meeting her friends or claiming her publicly (which is still good to delay) sows doubt that she is safe with you. Then she ends up saying you (Mr life together) shouldn't be with a lowly creature like herself, which is how you were acting by spending a whole year as secret lovers.

It is part of "security" (attribution @Skills ... Guess who recently read the Gunwitch fighting stance opener argument.... Lollll)

Spike is right you should have been less "shy" with your feelings much earlier. But Franco says it should be illegal for men to marry before seducing 50 hot women. You reached 20/50. And yes KJ's still single...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

From my own experience you can do all sorts of couple stuff, have incredibly romantic countryside adventures, and have her absolutely obsessed with you... Yet still have her feel like "the hidden woman".

The social validation is missing. You weren't "Facebook official" as they used to call it.

If her sense of social safety evolved from a need for you to protect her during pregnant vulnerability, then not meeting her friends or claiming her publicly (which is still good to delay) sows doubt that she is safe with you. Then she ends up saying you (Mr life together) shouldn't be with a lowly creature like herself, which is how you were acting by spending a whole year as secret lovers.

It is part of "security" (attribution @Skills ... Guess who recently read the Gunwitch fighting stance opener argument.... Lollll)

Spike is right you should have been less "shy" with your feelings much earlier. But Franco says it should be illegal for men to marry before seducing 50 hot women. You reached 20/50. And yes KJ's still single...

Ok. Interestingly, on the day of the break up, my girl met with her friend earlier.. My girl was actually inviting me to meet this friend before several times. I was actually sorta curious about her, but I did not really have the time on my hands to hang out, so I always thought "ok, just some chick, so what, will meet her later sometime".

Many months before, my girl actually told me that she confided in that friend and asked this friend her opinion on me (in terms of if whether I appear serious about dating or not, about the 10 year age gap, stuff like that) as this friend of hers was more experienced with guys...And that friend told her that apparently I don't seem to be very serious because of this and that... I managed to quickly dispel my girls' worries back then, but should have taken it as a warning signal. In fact I did take it as a warning signal and understood it as a sign of things to come, but then put it to the back of my mind, till now that is.


It's just that I am a busy guy with all sorts of things and difficulties of my own, and quite introverted as well, I don't have the desire and energy to go out and meet everyone...I'd rather spend more quality time one-to-one. I tried saying this to my girl before, but I guess she didn't listen.

 

[Teevster]

Many months before, my girl actually told me that she confided in that friend and asked this friend her opinion on me (in terms of if whether I appear serious about dating or not, about the 10 year age gap, stuff like that) as this friend of hers was more experienced with guys...And that friend told her that apparently I don't seem to be very serious because of this and that... I managed to quickly dispel my girls' worries back then, but should have taken it as a warning signal. In fact I did take it as a warning signal and understood it as a sign of things to come, but then put it to the back of my mind, till now that is.

By the book. This is the most used "manipulation". Her friend told her "you deserve better" - and then she had to find reasons for why you are not good enough - then throw them at you to rationalize the break up. Textbook.

I do not think you can salvage this. I also do not think YOU SHOULD salvage this.

Do I think you could have done something better? Yeah. But would this has hindered the break-up? Nah I do not think so.
Are you to blame? Partly, but I think this one is on her.

To everyone else: Reading some of arguments here which can be summarized as "commit more" and "show her you love her" and all that reminds me of reading some commercial mainstream blog and forum. I know that there are less and less active PUAs but come on guys. What happened to understanding female psychology, frames, frame-control, betafication and all that? And the guy who mentions some of the OGs like Franco gets trashed (especially the point on LSE girls, which applies 100% here). What the hell is this? This is not Reddit!

-Teevster

 

[HeartOfChaos]

By the book. This is the most used "manipulation". Her friend told her "you deserve better" - and then she had to find reasons for why you are not good enough - then throw them at you to rationalize the break up. Textbook.

I do not think you can salvage this. I also do not think YOU SHOULD salvage this.

Do I think you could have done something better? Yeah. But would this has hindered the break-up? Nah I do not think so.
Are you to blame? Partly, but I think this one is on her.

To everyone else: Reading some of arguments here which can be summarized as "commit more" and "show her you love her" and all that reminds me of reading some commercial mainstream blog and forum. I know that there are less and less active PUAs but come on guys. What the hell is this? This is not Reddit.

-Teevster

Teev, a few questions:

1) Why do you think even if I had done something better, it would not have hindered the break up?
2) Why do you think I cannot salvage this and also should not?
3) If I had done stuff like "shown her that I love her" explicitly, would it even have helped or the only thing that would have really worked is meeting all those friends etc? Or these meetings wouldn't have made much difference in the long run in any case?

 

[Velasco]

By the book. This is the most used "manipulation

lol this is not at all manipulation. all girls talk to their friends about the guys they are seeing. my girlfriends friends have all met me and encouraged our relationship. despite the 13 year age gap. why? because i met and hung out with them many times. and they could see that i made her happy. skills already pointed it out earlier on page one as one of his mistakes:

- no meeting and winning her friends

 

[Teevster]

I myself don't think I mistreated her. I always encouraged her, did yoga with her (I was doing ashtanga yoga on my own on and off for years), tried to help her find a job, got her in touch with a CEO of a company in the line of work she was interested in, took her out into the countryside to a few of my favourite places, gently suggested a while back that we take a holiday abroad together in future...She acknowledged all this herself.

The main "mistreatment" was not wanting to connect with her on social media (Instagram) as I barely use it myself, and not really feeling up to meeting her friends, or inviting her to my place (I always went to hers), but my place isn't optimal for meetings, and I tried to explain this to her...

The problem is her, and not you. She was depressed and needed more commitement from you. Problem is, the moment you commit to her, you would have gotten dumped since you would have fallen into her frame, and you'd be on a timer. You would have been screwed anyway.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with such girls. They need commitement in order to feel safe and secure. Then they dump you the moment you give it to them, because of X weird reason - ref Franco' theory on LSE girls that @KJ Francis referred to earlier.

-Teevster

 

[Teevster]

lol this is not at all manipulation. all girls talk to their friends about the guys they are seeing. my girlfriends friends have all met me and encouraged our relationship. despite the 13 year age gap. why? because i met and hung out with them many times. and they could see that i made her happy. skills already pointed it out earlier on page one as one of his mistakes:

This is a pick up forum.

-Teevster

 

[Teevster]

Teev, a few questions:

1) Why do you think even if I had done something better, it would not have hindered the break up?
2) Why do you think I cannot salvage this and also should not?
3) If I had done stuff like "shown her that I love her" explicitly, would it even have helped or the only thing that would have really worked is meeting all those friends etc? Or these meetings wouldn't have made much difference in the long run in any case?

I responded to those questions right above, but generally a relationship's quaility and longetivity depends on early screening. Here you screened for a girl with a LOT of baggage.

28 y old virgin + odd behaviour that you listed + low self-esteem is a tell-tell sign.

Building a relationship with such girl is like building a house on quicksand, and then asking how to fix the house...

-Teevster

 

[Skills]

Francis, thank you for these - very interesting read.

I had sex with her every time (or nearly every time) I saw her. She never denied me it. Always open to experimentation in bed with toys, etc. She was a virgin when I met her. As she put it, she waited that long for it as she wanted her first time to be "special". She also admitted that because she was so shy and low self esteem, she always struggled to express interest and talk to guys she fancied. I took her virginity on our third meeting, but we fooled around in bed the first night I met her.

One thing to note here, is that she never seemed to experience an orgasm in her life. I asked her about it - she said she never really felt it, not when she masturbated, and neither when she was with me. He clit does not seem to be very (if at all) sensitive - I reckon it could be due to anti depressants she was always on since she was a teen, as I read that this medication can affect the ability to orgasm.

yeah could be the medication.. Many anti depressants have sexual side effects....

 

[Teevster]

lol this is not at all manipulation. all girls talk to their friends about the guys they are seeing. my girlfriends friends have all met me and encouraged our relationship. despite the 13 year age gap. why? because i met and hung out with them many times. and they could see that i made her happy. skills already pointed it out earlier on page one as one of his mistakes:

But since you insist...

 

[Velasco]

They need commitement in order to feel safe and secure. Then they dump you the moment you give it to them

not if you have good relationship game they won’t. field tested. as already pointed out. he kept it vague because he was afraid and scared (his words not mine ) of actually defining the relationship and telling her how he felt about her

 

[HeartOfChaos]

The problem is her, and not you. She was depressed and needed more commitement from you. Problem is, the moment you commit to her, you would have gotten dumped since you would have fallen into her frame, and you'd be on a timer. You would have been screwed anyway.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with such girls. They need commitement in order to feel safe and secure. Then they dump you the moment you give it to them, because of X weird reason - ref Franco' theory on LSE girls that @KJ Francis referred to earlier.

-Teevster

But wait, don't really all women need some sort of commitment to feel secure? And what does commitment even mean here? I was only dating her. She knew this (not initially, but a few months in for sure).

What she wasn't sure of, if whether I was open to meeting other girls(she even said to me once during a conversation about apps, "on what dating apps are you on?" I asked her "why would I be on dating apps?" She replied, "to meet somebody..." to which I said "I deleted all the apps soon after we met")

 

[Skills]

No. She is Turkish.

I am not sure what specific signs you are referring to, but from what I've seen, the desire to introduce a potential boyfriend to friends and / or family and do thing of such nature is common in more conservative traditional cultures generally , including mediterranean.

is common with any women that wants a boyfriend....

 

[Velasco]

But since you insist...

yes….where meeting and winning her friends over comes into play lol