Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[Skills]

And, back in the days, the poor OP would have gotten good old school advice: Soft next here, go find 10 other women, and wait for her to make a move.

Becasue total silence from OPs end after the break up would have been the only way to salvage the relationship. Yes it would have been Toxic, but that's the only thing that works for LSE women - hence why you should just leave them be.

-Teevster

yes, now we agree...

 

[Skills]

he just wrote that he delayed doing all that because he was hesitant of committing due to her mental health issues. then he loses her. because she went into auto rejection. and THEN he tried to salvage it being needy “l love you”. if he didn’t think she was right for him then there would be no point about trying to salvage it. can’t be wishy washy

yes i said this


lol and this will PISS HER OFF AND PUSH HER AWAY, even more cause she will see this as manipulation....

 

[Velasco]

Jesus, I feel like I get different versions of the events after every single response

summary

-bangs virgin.
-treats her like a fuckbuddy for over a year. due to his fear of committing to her due to her mental health issues.
- after a year together of no progress in the relationship. no meeting her friends, (no opportunity to win over the friends), no meeting her family or couple activities, reaches breaking point.
- dumps him.
- tries to win her back. because he realizes that he actually does love her. and realizes he shouldn’t have been scared of going for what he wanted (an LTR).
- too late because she is in auto rejection.

obviously at this point radio silence and go after other girls is all he can do.

 

[Teevster]

yes i said this

May not be what OP wants to hear.

I understand he is going trough a rough time. I sympatize - I really do.

It can be terrible. But I do not think he should try to win her back. The odds are small, and will require plenty of work. In the "best" case scenario he only delays the inevitable.

After plenty of hard work, he wins a few month of relationship, however this time around, the inevitable break up would be much harsher, because if he does indeed happen to "win her back" his overall frame would be drastically damaged, and we all know what happens next... yeah... that's where you end up getting those "disrespectful break-ups" like having her respond to the phone while getting boned by another dude, or telling you "I cheated with 3 guys" type of thing. I'd rather avoid that.

-Teevster

 

[HeartOfChaos]

he just wrote that he delayed doing all that because he was hesitant of committing due to her mental health issues. then he loses her. because she went into auto rejection. and THEN he tried to salvage it being needy “l love you”. if he didn’t think she was right for him then there would be no point about trying to salvage it. can’t be wishy washy

Well both things are valid. I was hesitant a bit yes but was also wanting to move things myself too. And I was realising that it's time to move things. And I was getting ready to take the plunge regardless of her mental problems and just move things forward...Indeed wanted to say "I love you" on the day of anniversary which would have been yesterday... I bought and prepared that card etc for her. I wanted it to be all a bit of a surprise for her. Just like I bought her expensive perfume and gifts on Valentine's day, which she did not expect. I really wanted to make her feel special and surprise her, hence I tried to refrain from saying or doing too much in advance...

I was trying to time it better... I know I could and should have said all this to her earlier, but come on...

 

[Teevster]

- after a year together of no progress in the relationship. no meeting her friends, (no opportunity to win over the friends), no meeting her family or couple activities, reaches breaking point.

Well both things are valid. I was hesitant a bit yes but was also wanting to move things myself too. And I was realising that it's time to move things. And I was getting ready to take the plunge regardless of her mental problems and just move things forward...Indeed wanted to say "I love you" on the day of anniversary which would have been yesterday... I bought and prepared that card etc for her. I wanted it to be all a bit of a surprise for her. Just like I bought her expensive perfume and gifts on Valentine's day, which she did not expect. I really wanted to make her feel a special and hence I tried to refrain from saying much in advance...

This does not strike me as a man who "ignored her needs (TM)".

-Teevster

 

[Skills]

May not be what OP wants to hear.

I understand he is going trough a rough time. I sympatize - I really do.

It can be terrible. But I do not think he should try to win her back. The odds are small, and will require plenty of work. In the "best" case scenario he only delays the inevitable - however this time around, the break up would be much harsher, because if he happens to "win her back" his overall frame would be drastically damaged, and we all know what happens next... that's where you end up getting "disrespectful break-ups" like having her respond to the phone while getting boned by another dude, or telling you "I cheated with 3 guys" type of thing. I'd rather avoid that.

-Teevster

no.... I have always said once you break up you are done.... But if there is a "get back" course would be:

- cut all contact
- re-invent yourself (become more attractive)
- get other women.

in order, but yes don't chase replace.......

but this type of posts are normal post break ups, it helps op heal as well... I did the same shit! seen puas in chats do it to... normal

 

[Skills]

This does not strike me as a man who "ignored her needs (TM)".

-Teevster

brother it was too late, that was when she check out...

 

[Teevster]

no.... I have always said once you break up you are done.... But if there is a "get back" course would be:

- cut all contact
- re-invent yourself (become more attractive)
- get other women.

in order, but yes don't chase replace.......

And once he has managed to move past the break up phase, he should re-read this thread and see if he sees the whole situation in a different light. Very likely, he will.

Then, he can try to learn from it.

That's how things should go.

-Teevster

 

[Teevster]

brother it was too late, that was when she check out...

The overall frame he presented, did not strike me as a man who did not commit.

-Teevster

 

[Teevster]

Again, it seems like some of you are still downplaying the elephant in the room:

Virgin at 28 y old (and while rationalizing that this is normal in her country which statistically as the world's highest average number of sex partner per habita - as per 2005), low self-esteem, depression, and odd social behaviour.

-Teevster

 

[KJ Francis]

He just did not "commit" hard enough for her supposed liking. He going in harder on "commiting" would not have changed a thing because:
1. When did giving into her demands, especially of this sort ever work (long term).
2. Heck for all we know it is just a pretext, since the rationalization came post-break up.

Hmm makes sense.... And yeah being reactive to her would just cook him...

But I mean there is no social element present.

Like forget all the helping her with the job, taking trips, even couple dates or whatever... She still only has mistress status. Like couldn't you ditch every element of non-social commitment and just meet her friends around the 7 month mark (before her demands) to be like "yes I'm not ashamed to be seen in public with you and we are an item".

 

[TomInHo]

Ye OP could have been more clear about his intentions but it's whatevas

He didn't want her as a girlfriend anyways and held back because of her mental issues

Don't even know why he wants this girl back to be honest. And I have seen this happen a lot with guys funny enough

They have a girl they don't really want as a GF then when she starts pulling away he gets needy. Declares he loves her and all that jazz AFTER he notices her wanting to leave lol

But i have seen this play out a few times. Even if he does get her back he is most likely going to have the same exact issues with her

IMO he should just cut his loses and go fuck other girls

She aint the only woman in the world and he can meet other women that are more sane so he is not so ambivalent about commiting

Her dumping him was a great thing

 

[Teevster]

Like forget all the helping her with the job, taking trips, even couple dates or whatever... She still only has mistress status. Like couldn't you ditch every element of non-social commitment and just meet her friends around the 7 month mark (before her demands) to be like "yes I'm not ashamed to be seen in public with you and we are an item".

I do not think meeting her friends would have been a bad thing. Do not get me wrong. I even think it would have been a good thing - for as long as it was not him being responsive to her demand (all things being equal).

Yet, I do not think this is the main reason behind the break up. I think it is a pretext, a rationalization.

-Teevster

 

[Velasco]

They have a girl they don't really want as a GF then when she starts pulling away he gets needy. Declares he loves her and all that jazz AFTER he notices her wanting to leave lol

yes. cat string theory

But i have seen this play out a few times. Even if he does get her back he is most likely going to have the same exact issues with her

correct

She aint the only woman in the world and he can meet other women that are more sane so he is not so ambivalent about commiting

correct

 

[Teevster]

They have a girl they don't really want as a GF then when she starts pulling away he gets needy. Declares he loves her and all that jazz AFTER he notices her wanting to leave lol

I mean, a pretty textbook male to female dynamic.
1. Man is hesitant - holding back on committing.
2. Girl notices it, and pulls back as part of her natural betafication instinct.
3. Guy notices it, and invests and commits.
4. Guy gets screwed.

By the book. Litterally.

PS: It is the women's job of making the man commit. A man is not to "commit" preventively. That would ruin his frame. He being "hesitant" is not necessarily a mistake per.se.

-Teevster

 

[Teevster]

yes. cat string theory

Another way to put it, yes.

-Teevster

 

[TomInHo]

I mean, a pretty textbook male to female dynamic.
1. Man is hesitant - holding back on committing.
2. Girl notices it, and pulls back as part of her natural betafication instinct.
3. Guy notices it, and invests and commits.
4. Guy gets screwed.

By the book. Litterally.

-Teevster

This is also textbook

1. Man likes girl
2. Girl like Man
3 Both let other options fall
4 Woman starts probing man for exclusivity
5 Man notices and let woman into his world
6 They then ride out the relationship

Everything with Men and Women is not always a Lose/Win situation. There's a way to commit but still have power

Problem happened in OP at step 4. He was ambivalent and she picked up on it, an in my opinion regardless if she is LSE or not she did the right thing by dumping her

Because he was lukewarm about her at best. But is having dumped guy one-itis so now he feels more in love

 

[Teevster]

This also textbook

1. Man like girl
2. Girl like Man
3 Both let other options fall
4 Woman starts probing man for exlusivity
5 Man notices and let woman into his world
6 They then ride out the relationship

Everything with Men and Women is not always a Lose/Win situation. There's a way to commit but still have power

This does not apply to a 28 y old virgin, with depression and low self-esteem.

But yes this can happen when proper screening is at play, and you are dealing with a sane girl, and a healthy dynamic. This was not the case here.

Different premises, different rules.

-Teevster

 

[KJ Francis]

I also don't feel like I can have a relationship in my state...I don't love you... I was with you all this time because I didn't want to be lonely.... I was thinking you'd leave me soon after we met but you stayed and I liked you and your attention"