Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

So last week, I was talking with my closest friend about stuff and he told me that he had realized something.

My emotional relationship to most females is still that of a boy. Even girls younger than me (he told me he’d realized it when we went to his patron/mentor’s house and I was chatting with his 18yo crush while really tired and how sympathetic she was to me), but especially older ones.
Then it all clicked. I was aware of bits and pieces but hadn’t fitted them together yet. It explains a whole hell of a lot.
This has suited me really well up to now. ~75% of the time I can platonically charm the pants off an older woman. This has been extremely helpful in academic settings and on many other occasions, including some very difficult moments that were made easier this way.

However, it isn’t great for seduction.

Anyway, whenever I’m not falling into these behavior patterns, I tend to do really well. So long as I lead and don’t get too emotionally invested, I get compliance easily.

Bottom line? I should probably not focus on seduction until I’ve sorted myself out.
I’m making a lot of progress toward that…

The next step is to maximize my income and capital. Currently I have two guaranteed income streams totaling almost 1k. Savings approaching 5 figures once I invoice outstanding stuff. Parents owe me hundreds to a couple k in promised reimbursements, which I would need to compile into a spreadsheet to get. My side hustle went dormant, but it would be fairly simple to get a couple hundred from it.

In terms of additional income, I can get into tutoring (I have multiple specialized skillsthat could be monetized for at least 50/hr, maybe more) and furniture assembly. My writing skills would not be easy to monetize as efficiently as those two.

Another option is to ask my parents to subsidize my moving out. Their finances are improving and are projected to continue improving steadily for a year or more. They could afford at least 400/month (roughly how much they spend on my little sister to pacify her), especially as it would increase my mom’s productivity.

Finally, I have considerable social networks to draw on, totaling insane resources of all kinds. I need to see what I can get from those.

 

[Conquistador]

The main reason why I didn’t take those opportunities is that I failed to prevent myself from getting clinically depressed. While in many ways this period was milder than past winters, it was harder in other ways.

However, I should be able to snap out of it in the next few weeks. While much of the spring semester is still up in the air, the activities will keep me from languishing.

The good news is that I have room to make major improvements rapidly by simply solving pending issues and tasks. And I think I can.

The other thing is that I now have a blueprint for time management. Putting it into practice will require consistency. The thing about that is that it really depends on the burden.

Well, the journey goes on. But I’m on track to win gloriously in the big picture. And then there will be a “peace dividend” which I can use for self-improvement.

I’ve now set most of the conditions for a “deep and beautiful breakthrough”. We’ll see how much strength, will, and balls I have to implement it.

 

[Conquistador]

Now, since this is supposed to be a seduction journal, I should take some time to figure out where I’m at.

The fact is that it’s not a priority. I’m preoccupied, whether I like it or not. And until I can get back to 3-day+ retention streaks, I likely can’t do both at the same time.

That said, the SC prospects are so good. I don’t know. It’s almost painful not to pursue the opportunities out there. But I feel and think that I shouldn’t…YET.

When I finally do, it will be like a dam bursting. The years of unsatisfied desire need to be repaid with interest.

But for now, I need to stay on the path. And try not to get too entangled with any leads.

 

[Conquistador]

Alea iacta est.

It’s gonna be hard. Either way, it’s time for decisive events, regardless of where the cards fall. No more stalling for time. Conquer or perish time ⚡️

I am literally going to be starting the semester from scratch. And on very low sleep

But I think I can make everything work. And after the first three weeks, it should be clear how things will go.

The main thing is to try to be organized and efficient. I know what needs to be done, if I can just get through it.

The thing that most worries me now is that my tolerance for difficult situations (even ones as simple as biking up a steep hill with a loaded pack) has dropped.

But. If I can reach the tipping point and move out permanently, I will be permanently free to set my own path.

But freedom goes both ways (something many people my age in this great country have forgotten). It won’t be all sunshine and roses.

It doesn’t really matter. All I know is that I can’t stay here another six months and stay sane.

So I’ll go. After all, most epic deeds have been done by desperate people, not pith-helmeted adventurers seeking glory.

Wish me luck. It’s showtime.

 

[Conquistador]

Opening day went much better than expected.

More to say once I’m rested and have gotten some serious shit done.

 

[Conquistador]

Tomorrow is gonna be epic.

Three classes and at least two SC events.

Plus it’s V-day.

I’m still not at 100% but I’m getting there.

Best of all, I’m making progress in most areas, including where I was weak during the winter.

But now I need to build even more momentum…

 

[Conquistador]

Events at home over the last 18 hours have created an urgent situation.

I thought this afternoon was an isolated incident.

It wasn’t.

I should have left my family two years ago…I did try…

I can’t start the semester without being able to rest.

I don’t feel safe here. I never will. Old wounds reopen almost every day.

I can fall asleep on my friend’s couch with his little siblings fighting in the same room, yet right now I am physically unable to destress despite trying all the usual remedies.

I am now seriously considering how I can realistically leave within a week. And I am thankful that I have some practical options. Not everyone does.

Enough is enough. Without safety I cannot heal.

I’ve made it this far. Through things that some people will never fully understand, much less handle.

Just a little further…

 

[Conquistador]

Well, not only did I make it through, but I had a bit of fun. Perhaps there’ll be more tomorrow.
I’m glad I’m about to go to bed alone because I just want to sleep for 15 hours. Probably I’ll only get 11 or so but that’ll be progress.

I didn’t approach any new girls other than a bunch of new faces in classes and SC. But I did wear a somewhat more player-y outfit than usual. It went well, I guess. I have other stuff on my mind.

Two of my classes are pretty much devoid of notably attractive girls — all the better for my concentration I guess.

Another, though, has a bunch, although most of them aren’t super exciting.

That said, I ran into three of last semester’s leads, all of whom were clearly happy to see me on V-day:
-Cute Armenian girl on her way out, I was on the phone so we just exchanged big smile + wave
-Tall W-Euro chick on the grass with some friends. We chatted for a bit but I had to go to class.
-Crossed paths with a lovely E-Euro chick I’ll be seeing quite often this semester. She was visibly happy to see me but with a friend and also on her way out.

After class, I then went to a big campus for an event. It was interesting but most of the attractive girls were clearly spoken for, not that I cared by that point in a long day.

 

[Conquistador]

I’ve made some serious progress getting rid of old mindsets.

However, I’ve decided to stick to the original plan and be at half time. This should allow me the flexibility to handle anything that comes up while pursuing all sorts of non-academic goals.

It’s too bad, but I’m not gonna overextend myself.

Things are still dominated by the fact that my parents’ place is becoming unlivable.

This week I should be able to set aside a lot of time to work toward a solution. It’s possible (albeit not super likely) that by the end of the week I might be in a position to search for a place. Even if not, I’ll definitely have made financial progress.

It looks like things are going to work out. But the immediate situation is very tough.

I’ve also been thinking about the pros and cons of living further away from campus than I currently do. The prices are slightly more reasonable, so it might be worth doing for a single lease period and then moving somewhere more convenient once I’m better off.

 

[Conquistador]

This week has been messy because I ran out of contacts due to procrastinating.

Naturally, I will never allow this to happen again. And it might also help to get a better-fitting pair of glasses for emergencies.

Everything else is alright, but my ability to do stuff is severely reduced and I feel like I’ve been thrown back to the Chalcolithic or something.

But at least the tension at home has eased slightly. Otherwise, I might have been in a very sticky situation.

 

[Conquistador]

For the time being I don’t see how the forum is particularly useful for me to be that active on.

I’ll probably pop in from time to time, of course. But I feel like a paradigm shift is needed, and I’m not yet ready to properly learn seduction. And that’s fine.

While I think journaling has been helpful, I would like to, going forward, focus less on my ongoing struggle to get to a place of inner peace and more on positive action directly related to girls and social activities. And also, working on those things requires exposing a lot of very deep things and just generally stuff I don’t see the need to share publicly. And since to my knowledge no one else is actually getting inspiration from this thread…I might as well not post a lot of this stuff since I do from time to time have mildly interesting seduction-related stuff to share (and someday a whole lot) and it just leads to pages of circuitous thrashing around.

And also, the biggest areas of progress have been internal: how I view the world and many things in it.

A huge amount of my self-conceptualization is built around this idea of rebirth. A deeply flawed, antediluvian childhood led to a series of life-altering events. And out of this came a somewhat different person — crucially for this thread, not limited by some of the things that the “old me” was defined by, because the turmoil of those years fundamentally shook up not just but my life but my core self, physically — cognitively — and also spiritually.
But it turns out that I haven’t actually succeeded in leaving the old antediluvian frames. The habits are deeply ingrained and sometimes I feel trapped. Like a person in a badly fitting piece of armor.

I have much to learn still. And sometimes learning is painful, both because the process is painful and sometimes because the truth stings. But it’s the only thing. I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t the sort of person who does all this.

So I will go and do, and learn by doing, and learn anew, and keep exploring and learning and living until I’m old and gray, and not stop growing from my experiences. Because there’s nothing better than improving oneself.

No pain, no gain.

 

[gameboy]

I've read some of your posts, and it seems like you are going in circles. A bit stuck in your head maybe?

Have you considered doing the newbie challenge? Just starting to say "hi" to attractive girls you see on the street has been transformative for me.

You don"t need a place of your own to do that. And later, you might realize that you can even chat with girls that you like, without having a place. And so on...

 

[Conquistador]

I've read some of your posts, and it seems like you are going in circles. A bit stuck in your head maybe?

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m struggling with more important and existential things than girls right now.
A lot of the stuff I wrote way far above about girls was that of an immature boy and some of it is cringey.
I originally got into seduction during a brief period when it felt like I was close to accomplishing certain goals that I haven’t yet attained.

Have you considered doing the newbie challenge? Just starting to say "hi" to attractive girls you see on the street has been transformative for me.

I used to do that sort of thing quite a lot. So often I didn’t even journal about it.

So no. That’s not the point.

You don"t need a place of your own to do that.

I don’t want my own place so that I can pull! That’s just a nice extra.

I share a bedroom with three younger siblings. I sleep on a small mattress under a child-sized bunk bed occupied by my brother.

Get the point already?

And later, you might realize that you can even chat with girls that you like, without having a place. And so on...

I suggest you go read Biggus’ journal from beginning to end and then maybe you’ll begin to grasp that not everything is about seduction.

 

[gameboy]

I suggest you go read Biggus’ journal from beginning to end and then maybe you’ll begin to grasp that not everything is about seduction.

Jeez dude...

I suggest you read the name of this forum again.

 

[Conquistador]

Jeez dude...

I suggest you read the name of this forum again.

..well…just look and see what generally happens to PUAs who prioritize game at the cost of their health (physical, mental, or both)…

I may not be that skilled for now but I do identify as a seducer. And le seductive personality is an outgrowth of le masculine energy.

It’s clear to me now that I need to deal with more basic things and then I will be able to grow into my potential.

I understand that you were trying to be helpful but look…not everyone is able to just treat their life as one long hunt for pussy.

Part of why I was initially irritated was that it appeared like you hadn’t read the OP, which supplies some critically important context.

The rest can be summarized as “I let myself get into semi-permanent burnout and I haven’t recovered yet”. The person writing this, despite being much wiser and much less blithely uncalibrated than the person writing OP, is a shell of his once and future self.

Besides, in the last three months I’ve made way more progress than I had cumulatively made since starting this journal. Relatively little of it made it into this thread, of course.

 

[Conquistador]

While checking the exact date of something above, I realized that not that much has changed on the surface in an entire year.

In fact, with each semester I seem to get more burned out and more distraught of spirit.

True, I’ve matured a whole lot and my resources have also improved.

But the material stagnation must end.

So I’ve set a target date to move out, which I will make every effort to meet.

April 17.

Now to draw up a more detailed timetable to realistically meet that date and other goals.

 

[Conquistador]

^^ got me thinking actually…

So I’ve been a bit sick lately and have essentially grounded myself (not even going to campus). Sleep debt is still piled up, to levels where I don’t even think about taking caffeine because it would override the brain’s throttling and repair systems (which I once did a whole project on).

But…when I’m back in business (early next week unless something goes really wrong) I will spend a lot more time writing about my experiences at college and elsewhere so that it’s clear to anyone reading this how much I actually approach. Which to be honest, is 90-95% warm these days, but whatever.

That said, I honestly don’t see the point of approaching just to build skills. As someone wise here once told me way back (yknow who u are), having logistics changes how you approach and game at every step.

So instead my focus will be on building deeper, fuller friendships and networks. Having as active a social life as feasible is a better path than anything else right now.

 

[Spyce D]

well…just look and see what generally happens to PUAs who prioritize game at the cost of their health (physical, mental, or both)…

I am experiencing it .

But I am also working on improving both my physical and especially mental health .

I have consulted professionals , changed diet , lifestyle , added supplements and doing lot more stuff .

If your mental health is not ok ,i.e, dealing with depression , anxiety , OCD , rumination etc . It might be really challenging to keep on pushing forward in game .

One thing that is running through my mind is importance of faith in one's life .

And I have always lacked it , hence , I am working on this aspect too

 

[Conquistador]

Over the weekend I went from the “physically and mentally burned out” kind of “sick” — to the “I have a bad cold” kind of sick.

My sister probably passed it to me. But my physical state can’t have helped me resist.

 

[Conquistador]

On the plus side…

I rediscovered intense musicotherapy. I used to use it only for a “get going” boost but I tried using music to help myself rest and…

Within 10 minutes I was feeling not only sleepy but extremely present in my body.

Which was now telling me all sorts of things that I had been tuning out:

-I’d been holding tension in all sorts of places
-My mouth is dry (despite overall hydration being ok) and I could eat a horse (even if I didn’t have space, my body is screaming for extra calories to fight the cold or flu or whatever)
-My body doesn’t actually want anything sexual right now (I had long been using the post-ejaculation hit as a way to help myself sleep)
-I’m overall sicker than I’ve been in a while.

I also felt a brief sense of a spiritual self-awareness that I haven’t felt in a while.

Well, I need to just learn to take it easy. I have one important email to do tomorrow, and urgent stuff without a hard deadline which I can push off a little longer, and beyond that I need to just sleep.

I think I’ve got this. This spring is gonna be epic. Once I’ve recovered.