Sooo, yeah, I got back with my ex. Again. Big mistake. That's why I've been out of the forums for quite a while, I guess just pure shame, I knew I shouldn't, but I needed it. Actually we didn't quite break up yet, but I guess I made up my mind about it.
So a bit after the events of my last post (like a week or so) I got kinda crazy and contacted my ex. She told me her condition to get back would be "100% me", like a 100% commited relationship. I must say, October was a tough month, I couldn't stop thinking about her, my game was crap for pretty much the entire month, other than that last outing. On top of that, I had just left my shitty job, with nothing to do other than think about her (or try to get over her, which I did, with little to no effect). I was kinda high (on weed) on that Arctic Monkeys show and the concert was quite shit, Alex seemed like he didn't want to be there, pretty much. I immediatly compared to the Gorillaz concert earlier on the year on that same place I went with my girl and Tunny man, that was amazing, and my dumb brain was like "oh, if I was with her, this concert wouldn't be so bad" (which is not untrue, but also kinda lame). I was also having some weird thoughts about life, like it doesn't freaking matter what I do, because life doesn't have much of a point anyway, so I might as well go back to her and have some kids or something, whatever.
Of course this is the dumbest shit ever, but the way we got back together was actually quite cool and romantic, I met her and she was really happy I finally gave in. I guess deep down inside I was curious how long could I stay loyal in a commited relationship, if I could make it work, so basically I just went for it.
Annnd yeah, the same problems come back to haunt me. I just feel I want to bang other girls. Her sex drive is way lower than mine. We have some kinda unsatisfatory sex for me, and I feel she does it just to please me, sometimes almost as some kind of lame duty.
Then yesterday everything comes crashing down, in a sense. We are going to the usual club with my friends for a New Year Eve party. We all meet on a friend's apartment, we drink before. Mr. P is being cool as usual, as well as Ace. My girl is looking fine af, with a white little dress that makes her look like a Greek goddess or something, with her sexy makeup. We have a good time.
I just installed Instagram again, as the host was telling me he texted me to invite me on IG but I never replied (Ace told me he invited me).
And it was that Asian girl's birthday recently, the one I banged in my appartment, then my girl found her hair strand. And of course I sent her a "happy birthday cutey whatever whatever", all miss spelled because I was drunk and didn't care that much.
We then went to the club, quite early, because we bought those cheap tickets to get in early. We drank some cheap sparkling wine, everyone was having a great time, actually me and Mr. P drank a bit too much, he bought everyone a round of shot, tipical of him, then I had another tequila one with him, for our tradition, but both of us had drank quite a bunch. I then had to buy him some water, he was almost puking, so I was a little stressed, just a little, but also a bit drunk. Then, out of the blue, my girl saw the message I sent Asian girl. I can't remember exactly how it happened (I don't remember much as I just drank more than I should), to be real I have a bad habit of thinking out loud, blame it on me being alone at home most of the time. Maybe I read something on IG and this propted my girl to look at my phone, but anyway, she looked at the message, which to me was a bit of a privacy breach I don't quite tolerate with girl(friend)s. And then she started flipping out, like why was I calling her "cutey", why was I messaging her at all, "giving her false hopes", yada yada. To be fair she had a bit of a point, but I thought she was completely overreacting and having a weird jealousy episode, and I still think that. Anyway we leave shortly after, I think. Then I remember her still giving me crap and causing a bunch of drama in front of her car, as we walked towards it to leave (she left it on an empty street between the club and our friend's apartment), I just got kinda mad and told her it wasn't easy for me, that I was struggling with our sex issues and everything, but still I was loyal to her, and she was being unfair (probably not with those words or that coherently), that there was nothing with that girl, but then I start crying out of the blue? Like tears running down my eyes, out of frustration/sadness, quite embaracing to remember. I thought it happened in the club and was fearful my friends saw me breaking down like that, but now I remember it was outside near her car, so only her saw that moment. Then I think she kinda pulled back quite a bit, she just entered the car, I did the same, and she drove us to my apartment in silence.
We slept, and things were really weird in the morning. I remember being clear on my mind that her reacting like that and eavesdropping(?) on my phone was unacceptable, I guess she was just acting weird, not sure if her being down was on me basically admitting things were tough and we were kinda done or going that way, or she was still mad with the stupid innocent messages I sent (to be real with you all, I still feel a bit sorry for Asian girl, I just wanted to cheer her up, I never had the intent of having anything sexual/romantic with her again, but oh well).
Anyway I still had breakfast with her, trying to pretend nothing happened, then I jerked off as she moaned in my ear, something not so uncommon, as she rarely ever wanted to have actual sex (penetrative) with me (I had licked her body and pussy before that morning, but I asked her if she wanted more and she was like nope, she told me she was feeling down, I mean, it makes sense). I came and then felt incredibly hollow, like what's the point of that, she's not having fun, I'm feeling bad for cumming(?). I asked her before if she enjoyed making me cum, but this time she just went silent (before she would say yes). Right afterwards my parents texted me to go have lunch with them, I asked my girl if she wanted to go, but ofc she said nope, it was just weird, I asked her if she wanted to stay with me and cook lunch, but she said I better go to my parents, as she wanted to go home as well.
Sex with her was always tough, I think she has some trauma around penetrative sex, she told me we would never do anal, which kinda made me die inside, as with my ex it was an act of intimacy and extreme kinkiness (even if I never enjoyed the feel of it, physically). But like the one day of the month she was up for it, she would generally be super kinky and sexy, and it would be great (though she never even came close to cumming, which would make me feel kinda bad, as I loved making girls cum with my cock). She was also very beautiful and personally, for me, a 7/7 phisically, though she's a bit thinner than the girls I usually for for (I like thicc girls, love them tights). So it was very tough for me to want to fuck her so hard and cum all over her and she having such a lack of interest for sex in general, many times engaging in it seemly just to make me happy. She did say she of course enjoyed sex with me, in her own way (I guess mostly for intimacy more than anything). So yeah, there was this weird shame around sex for me, which was a big deal breaker for me, but I still wanted it to work so bad, I tried and tried again.
Also her personality matched mine like a glove. She's probably smarter than most girls, knows quite a bit of English as she travelled around the world, very reserved, witty girl. She talked a bit too soft sometimes and made it hard for me to hear her, but I also make that mistake sometimes (I take that over a girl screaming in my ear anytime of the day). Her voice also personally for me was very sexy, because it reminded me of that Asian girl with a great booty that I had a crush on school. So yeah, I was just almost a 100% into her, other than the problems with sex (and her being a tad too shy, like sometimes I wanted her to dance for me and be a little more open and expressive, but she was always a bit too reserved).
But yeah, lately I was feeling more and more like going back to her was a mistake, that I did out of loneliness and scarcity (even if I had a lot of shots with girls when we got back together). In fact, maybe a lot of that shakiness in our relationship lately has been because of this, because there were so many "open threads" with girls I didn't quite bang but was in the process of going to do that it weighted on me feeling satisfied with her (I mean, I really wasn't, but that sure didn't help). We are also from very different backgrounds, even if our personalities are very similar: she always had money to travel abroad because of her father, and went to expensive private schools, while my parents never had money to spare (we never legit felt real hunger, but our parents struggled to provide for me and my sister early on, often having help from my niece or my grandparents, sometimes all we had in the fridge was margerine and rice, tough times). Maybe this is why me and my sister became such go getters, me mostly with seduction, but her with work, priding herself on being financially independent on her early 20s even if she's a very beautiful woman. Anyway, my girl always has this things with food where she won't eat a lof of stuff, like raw tomatos and onion, olives and stuff like that (which many times worked just fine, as I would eat that stuff), and she often would make remarks like "ooh I wish someday you'll be rich and I won't have to work", or how she told me she wanted a very expensive ring when we were to get engaged (to which I mostly responded with a laugh and telling her something like "you know I'm not a provider, don't you?"). And as far as helping other people, I mean there's a lot of homeless people in our town, and I try and help when I can, but she often would dismiss them. Yesterday for example she told me to lift the window of the car as some beggar guy approached us, like I try to at least aknowledge these people and talk to them, at least say hi, but she was too worried about herself and maybe her car to care about any of that (the guy clearly seemed harmless, but maybe she lacks the street savy I have from frequenting some lowlife parts of town late at night). She told me once she felt bad for like the native women that beg for money on the streets and wanted to help, but I never saw her actually helping anyone. So yeah, I started feeling bad because around her, I just behaved like her, and it didn't felt truly me (I'm not even judging her morally, she's free to act as she feel right, but us being different meant we dealt different with a lot of situations like that, and often I would give into her way). With my ex, for example, I once put some food we had made and there was a lot of excess after we ate on some cheap plastic pots and distributed it to homeless people around downtown the next day (my ex had a nice apartment there, but there's a concentration of homeless people around there). She supported me and told me I was a nice person, that she wanted to be more like me, while, with my girl, I never felt she would be able to do something like that (or even support me much if I did, but maybe I'm just being overly judgy).
Anyway, I just started feeling like I was giving in too much and we were too different for this to work. I wanted to give her (us, really) at least another month to see how things would go, since I put her throught so much, and I was the one to propose a real, 100% commited relationship (and us going back), but yesterday and today proved it can't work, not right now, not in the way we are going. I'm feeling like she's a friend more than anything, on a commited romantic relationship, and that feeling is just weird. Our sex just makes me feel bad, I miss so much doing anything with a girl that isn't kissing and feeling good because of it...
I want to be her friend, I really like her, hell, I love this girl, I just don't think I'm really for a LTR.
I want to take a break, to not get anything any serious with a girl for this whole year at least, probably (we'll see how I feel down the year).
I left my last relationship, with the girl I lost my V-card to, and got right into this one, with my girl, very slowly, almost not wanting to do it, but I eventually budged anyway. I guess I wanted to try, but now I know that right now, I can't possibly have anything serious with a girl. Feels like a bunch of stupid, obvious mistakes, but I had to do it anyway to learn from it.
I feel very grateful for everything that she did for me, and I seriously still want to be her friend (I mean, at this, point, we are pretty much this, which might make this very hard, emotionally, to work). I still don't know how to break this up, I want to be a man and see her face to face, to tell her everything I need to say, but maybe it's best we avoid seeing each other again... I have no idea.
All I know is we are done.