Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

Today I had an unpleasant encounter in one of my classes.

A slightly creepy and definitely mentally unbalanced (BPD?) older guy in the class was having trouble understanding the new grammar we were learning. Despite sitting directly behind me, he didn't ask me, although I'm one of the two most fluent non-heritage speakers in the class. Instead, he asked the girl next to me (more on the situation with her another time). She didn't really get it (he prob knew that she isn't the best student, mostly just wanted to hit on her), and directed him to me.
Now, I had previously decided not to help this guy with anything due to previous hostile and erratic things he had said to me. So I told him so, in a relatively civil, but awkwardly phrased (I was completely wiped) way.
Suffice it to say that he was able to pull one over on me. Manipulated the frame and embarrassed me.
Then after class, near the bus stop, he did some creepy paranoid things that would have sent me running for the hills if I was a 4'10" female. Instead he handed me a memorable comeback, and I took a different line home to avoid further altercation.

The whole frame manipulation thing scared me. (I was already physically tense from other stuff, and I almost left class early as a flight response). Somehow he is able to read me and guess with high confidence certain psychological facts I don't want known to all and sundry. My guess would be that he has met a lot of psychologically and neurologically diverse people in the context of group therapy and such, combined with him just being good at reading people.

Creeps are creeps, but manipulative and intuitive creeps are the worst.

 

[Conquistador]

Lots of food for thought both in general about life and stuff and specifically on the female mind. There's a girl in my class who I'm not into but am kinda fascinated by because she's the polar opposite of me. emotionally.

Anyway I mostly just want to mention that I've discovered that one of the best things about Nordic girls is that they're super nice if you're not overtly hitting on them. I actually felt more comfortable approaching a trio of particularly attractive ones (at night!) than I would have felt approaching them as individuals.

Also I find the culture interesting so I have lots of natural openers. If I had the time and headspace I would honestly pick up Swedish because it's fairly easy to learn. Plus gets you instant social circle benefits

But right now, it's time to take it easy overall. Otherwise I won't able to be on the ball, with life, business, or girls.

Speaking of business, things are doing well. I should be able to afford moving out fairly soon if I continue like this. But actual cash flow is still tight at the moment due to one-time expenses and a bottleneck with both a customer and my side hustle.

 

[Conquistador]

So today I went on my first purposeful daygame expedition in months. I spent more time observing dynamics and stuff than actually approaching. I had other indirectly related objectives too.
A lot to think about.
I will probably do more of the same on a semi-regular basis.

 

[Conquistador]

I was thinking about how I approach (or don't) and it occurred to me that I really have nothing to be anxious about. Quite the opposite in fact.

I need to get more comfortable in my own skin around girls (not literally...not yet ) I mean, I'm good-looking, highly intelligent, not boring (except maybe to party girls), a fairly decent human being, a true gentleman, and genuinely looking for connections, platonic or otherwise. A lot of girls ( and women) would rate me highly on the Hot Guy scale.

Why the bloody hell SHOULDN'T I go up to a beautiful girl/woman and say hi? Why do I still have inhibitions? It's one thing to have inhibitions about escalating, another thing entirely to refrain from approaching.

At the same time, I really do have other priorities in my life that take precedence over getting girls in the short term. And I'm encountering a reasonable volume of quality college girls and others just by going about my life. So future daygaming will mainly be in short bursts before/after shopping and maybe some campus tours of local universites.

 

[Conquistador]

A girl in my class was explaining to me that her FWB is not anybody to be scared of (i.e. unable to protect her from a creep when he escorts her home).
Me: So is he your official boyfriend now?
Her: Huh?
Me: Is it official, is it unofficial, or am I imagining everything? (Ouch Surveyor! Be gentle with the candor and honesty next time)
Her: He's just the guy I talk to about what happens in class!
(It really is silly and cute how girls can say that with a straight face, even though their body language, behavior, and other things they say contradict their own words)
(at least I refrained from calling her out on her previously stepping out of class for Ugandan discussions under humorous circumstances)
Her: He's a year and a half younger than me, you know.


While mulling over this conversation, I realized that up to now I didn't understand anything at all about girls' thought processes sorting guys into hookup/FWB/BF material. Now at least I've taken a few steps toward a satisfactory understanding.

The whole "put yourself inside a girl's head" rule is incredibly useful isn't it? But I'm still working on understanding this particular girl's worldview.
I also don't know how to cut through her games with honesty without being a bit of a proverbial elephant/bull.

 

[Conquistador]

Things have steadily improved overall in the past week.
I've solved a lot of logistical problems simply by wasting less time and lowering my logistical footprint.

Today was overall quite good.

I noticed a few things:

First, the girl I'm most into (I used to just like her as a person, now with semen retention I'm very attracted to the solidly rounded squares of her mind and body) in PE was a bit uncommunicative today when I tried to engage her twice about shared interests. Later I noticed she had heavy circles under her eyes. The lesson here is that the most stable, unemotional girls are still at least as affected by mood and other stuff as we are.

Secondly, I went over to another campus to check out their library. While wheeling my bike through a crowd of pedestrians I got a big smile and other approach invitations from a girl, pretty but mainly I liked her vibe. Unfortunately I wasn't really in a position to approach, encumbered by bike, she was going other way, crowds, it all happened too fast. If I was more advanced maybe I'd have been on the ball. Well, if I can get one decent girl flashing a green light in my face at first sight, I'm sure I can get more.

 

[Conquistador]

I'm also getting into online game, again in passing through a non-dating platform. Apart from college chat which is not the same rules.

Trying to figure out how to not turn off a 19-yo blonde in the Midwest once she realizes my definition of "fun" doesn't include sexting people I haven't already been with.

 

[Conquistador]

Two approaches on the crowded and slow-moving bus back from college today. I came back much later than usual, so no familiar faces.
The first was positive, but the girl was more interested in chilling with her phone than chatting, so since I was in very close proximity I left her alone.
The second was with a Chinese girl who is still learning ESL. She was reserved but positive. I felt weird asking all the questions but I don't think she thought it was weird.

On campus, I worked on being approachable as I walked around. I got an unusual amount of smiles. Helps to have a prop. In fact, I got approached by a (much) older woman as I walked home from the bus. I think she was just being nice though. We had a nice two-minute convo.


The "just be a curated version of yourself" strategy seems to work fine for now.

 

[Conquistador]

Well, it appears that I've successfully completed the initial phase of a very delicate operation: friend-zoning a waifish (both in figure and backstory) rich girl who outright tried to seduce me earlier in the semester, without scaring her off or being too boring to actually get all . Because I do like her, sort of. She's my polar opposite in many ways; I find her backstory alluring; her infinite variety is fascinating, if sometimes frustrating; and most of all, something about her speaks to that protective, gently dominant part of me.

But I can't imagine having a healthy FWB or GF relationship with her, as she currently is.

No, I don't have white knight syndrome. Otherwise I would have been like "begone thot" ages ago.

Women are complicated. Particularly this one.

One of the many reasons I decided not to pursue things with her was that she has trouble letting people into her personal/intimate space. Thus her choice of a younger nice guy as an FWB, and her putting up walls if I overstep. It seems to be the best solution for all parties. Especially as he actually is reasonably cool, if less mature.

I have, however, learning a lot about game, life, and even myself from my interactions with her. And also how my confidant(e)s have reacted to the parts I've shared. Everything from "Why do you want to be friends with that woman?" (somewhat older Christian gal pal) to "sounds like the script of a bad porn movie XD" (online guy friend of similar age and location).

And I'm enjoying myself. And building skills.


Anyway, I have other women who I actually want to tumble with to worry about. But I don't really want to start anything for another few weeks honestly. I have too much on my plate business/college wise. Maybe I'll feel differently once I run up another week-plus streak, idk.

 

[Conquistador]

Part of me is close to declaring open season.

Generally, I gradually move closer to big decisions like this.

The utilitarian considerations are starting to quiet my conscience's objections.

But it's still possible that my "divide and conquer" plans to provide my needs will bear fruition. I've made a lot of progress in areas like NEMO, friendships, etc.

I also simply am concerned for my emotional health and especially my ability to continue steadily expanding and developing academically and financially. If I can't take care of my physical and emotional needs, meeting goals/building character/being spiritual is unsustainable. And I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to end up, and damn the torpedoes.


We'll see.

 

[Conquistador]

It occurred to me that maybe I need to lower my standards of compatibility and otherwise rethink what I'm looking for in an FWB relationship.

Up to recently, my working concept of "FWB" was "a friend of the opposite sex that you mutually decide to deepen your preexisting relationship with because [reason]". And for me, maybe that is a good starting point. But real life is more nuanced.

And frankly, I might as well check off as much of my wild-oats bucket list as I can.

At the same time, I do think that all the work I'm putting in now to my game, body, and sexual preparation is going to pay off many times over later. So, as long as I'm making progress, why hurry?

 

[Conquistador]

Today was very instructive. Among other things, one of the assistant instructors was frisky as hell.

Friendships and social circle are also making progress, including strengthening old friendships.

Physical fitness is improving, maybe not overall strength, but aerobic endurance, body composition, muscle tone, core/back mass, etc. are all measurably improving.

Logistics and resources (by which I mean quality food, sufficient and quality sleep, etc) is now absolutely hopeless, but I continue to make steady progress toward moving out.

Intensive/aggressive/ambitious efforts in any area are currently impossible. I don't have the energy and state. But my baseline just keeps rising

I've also been doing a LOT of thinking about the "friends with benefits" paradigm and associated topics. Because to be honest, any woman worth committing to as a GF is worth really committing to, i.e. marrying. Otherwise...

 

[Conquistador]

AMOGed in pre-journal times (summer classes):

The girl was a sweet, family-oriented Latina. I liked her but I wasn't into her, but she was showing more signs of interest in me than in him. I needed the practice, and I sort of wanted to be friends.
The guy was taller than me (but skinny), older, and from the Hood. He actually wanted her.
The bozo used a really simple and brutal move during the first break. He let the girl and an older girl also in the group walk on a few paces but not too far, then simply told me, "Hey, I don't know how to put this (nice move there!), but you're making us uncomfortable, we don't want you walking around with us" or words to that effect. I was like "Ok, whatever" and went the other way.

And I will admit that I became deeply insecure over the next few minutes. I walked off campus and around the neighborhood. Eventually came back, fetched my stuff from the lecture hall, and went home.

He was never going to fight me, of course, although the possibility of violence didn't consciously occur to me.

And in many ways, I really was more "alpha" than him, but he leveraged the areas where he was superior.

I resolved never to let such a thing happen again.

Could it happen again today? I don't know. Definitely my frames are no longer that brittle.

In general, I'm better equipped to handle AMOG tactics than before, but I still have little experience.

Nor am I highly confident in my semi-physical masculinity of hunting-equivalent activities, mostly due to my upbringing. I'm working on it though, but it's hardly a priority.

 

[Conquistador]

I'm going for an FWB upgrade pull but I'm still trying to arrange an in person hangout to start moving forward. Logistics is complicated and she has her own life too.

 

[Conquistador]

Time for an update. A lot has happened!
-No updates on above.
-Logistics are rocky but improving. I've also gotten better at doing more with less
-I've continued deepening my understanding of various things through conscious observation of others' behavior. Over the last two or three days especially, I've gotten some interesting insights.
-Fitness continues to improve. I'm starting to feel more manly and less boyish.
-I need to utilize my gal-pal brain trust more.

Expect major action (probably not a lay) over the weekend something else is in the offing. I got myself a good wingman, provisionally, but still deciding whether I want to bring him along, or go confidently alone.

 

[Conquistador]

I've started thinking about the mechanics (or rather the flow and art) of sex. Honestly I'm somewhat confident because I've spent a significant amount of time since puberty actually learning as best as I can how things really work instead of mindlessly staring at camgirls and pornstars.

Or rather, I was confident that I'd do much better than the average first-timer. Now, however, I want to actually be as good as I can from the start.

A nice analogy is fighter pilot training. Training and doctrine count, but ultimately, nothing can replace combat experience. Even so, I'd rather be a Weapons School graduate (either one, really) than a third-world veteran with a lucky victory or two.

Recently however, I've learned that really good lovemaking is much, much more than the kind of common-sense stuff my teenage self imagined.

Much of my self-training was designed for bread-and-butter fulfilling and satisfying marital stuff (or possibly not embarrassing myself with an older woman), basic principles of cunnilungus, how to do full-contact positions the fun way, with a side of nude pillow fights and other imaginative and spontaneous foreplay. Basically how to have a great honeymoon when you're each other's first, or how to get a head start on Andras Vajda.

I utterly failed to understand the things that only come with experience. But at least now I they know they exist. Like those islands that were once thought of as mere smudges on the horizon on a clear day. Well, a personal Age of Exploration is now dawning.

Wow, that's actually a smashing analogy inasmuch as the shape of developments up to Dias and Columbus.

Westward ho!

 

[Conquistador]

Most young women who aren't sexually active are still part of the "Secret Society". It took me this long to realize that.

 

[Conquistador]

I've been playing with the idea, for a while, of challenging myself to ejaculate next time into a vagina, no excuses. My longest recent streak (a few weeks ago) was 9.5 days, ended actually because I reached the promised land of repeated deep prostate orgasms and eventually hit a physiological trigger.
At the same time, I am legitimately scared of long streaks because they tend to mess with my head in unusual ways.

Anyway...
While I fully intend to continue pursuing this path...
I may have recently started to view women as the latest potential panacea for the lasting legacy of my teenage troubles.

Maybe sensual, intimate, loving sex is in fact far more powerful than other previous attempts at a panacea. It wouldn't surprise me; sex is a very powerful force of nature. Utilized effectively, it can do almost supernatural things, which is the root motivation for "sex magick", as well as the tight controls placed on sexual morality by many religions.
Or course, the reverse holds true as well. Part of why I don't want to let myself go completely once I do start laying.

At the same time, I should recognize that I've already made huge strides in my ability to handle my mental health. What I'm struggling with now is to fully engage with the outside world with the confidence, brilliance, and joyousness that I've never quite fully expressed, while retaining such mature and stable traits as calmness, stoicism, courage (of all kinds) and other moderating influences. And naturally I err on the side of caution.

Can the trade-off between full expression and moderation be avoided? I think so. Eventually.

And I'm going in the right direction. Even if it's hard going. And even if things are getting very complicated in some cases.

 

[Conquistador]

Tomorrow I'll be working on:
-Body wisdom
-Bantering smoothly and a little more adventurously
-Deep diving/friendly substantive conversation, including getting to know the girls I don't know well yet
-Talking more to the other guys. They're a relatively cool bunch as you'd expect from this class.

Last class, I started to notice that one of the girls may be slightly attracted to me. She may have the makings of a good friend (with or without benefits) but I'm neutral about her. I'll try to deep dive her, I was kind of focusing on breadth of girls over depth initially, and on conversations ofver flirtation.



I've been feeling different, mostly physically, over the past week. More manly. Partly due to fitness and partly just how I interact with the world. Idk

 

[Conquistador]

Weekend Roundup
Drafting a field report about something outside college and social. Not sure if I want to post all the details though for privacy, maybe I'll just mention in chat instead.

On Friday I had two situational cold approaches on the way to class. The first was on the bus, a young Asian teacher who sat down next to me with a prop. I didn't really hook her after a few minutes and I wasn't on the ball so I let the convo dissipate rather than force dialogue.
The second was with a pair of actually Asian (Tokyo and ROK) exchange students on the way into campus. While waiting for a walk signal, Tokyo Girl told her friend she was feeling cold (it wasn't really, even by LA standards), so I opened from there, quite successfully. I didn't go for a number close or anything, but I'll probably cross paths with one or both of them again.

Do I lack a "killer instinct" to move forward and close? Probably
I'll figure it out eventually

My overall life has improved a lot. I'm rolling with the punches, (barely) staying on top of college (likely did well on midterms), and making slow but steady forward progress

Meanwhile I've been ejaculating a lot more due to a combination of increased fitness and a stressful week(s). The energy effects are in general somewhat offset by improvements in things like groundedness and gravitas, so while I lack drive (esp sex drive), I don't feel drained or depressed or anything.

Tomorrow I have plans. We'll see if anything comes of it.