Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

I’m more optimistic than in a long time about my medium term prospects for independence and healing because I’ve now reduced it to a significantly simpler and better defined problem.

It also helps that my parents (primarily my mother) have recently done the most tyrannical thing I can recall from them since I was a minor. I hate them (kind of) and I can’t wait to cut them out of my life (at least for a while).

 

[Conquistador]

After several incidents where I correctly picked undervalued or growing stocks and then didn’t put my money where my mouth was, I’m considering getting into investing.

 

[Conquistador]

because I’ve now reduced it to a significantly simpler and better defined problem.

So far it feels doable but man, I keep running into physical issues like sleep quality affecting my ability to grind effectively.
I’ve got this though. Mostly. Either I will have a big, beautiful breakthrough, or I’ll get to the same place gradually in a reasonable time frame. Or so I hope.

Thing is, I need to have a hard think about where to go from that point, because right now not having a clear sense of purpose besides freedom and healing is already impacting things. Like yes, I have an awesome business idea that I want to pursue aggressively as soon as I’m functioning near peak capacity, but there’s more to life than making money, and I’m gonna have to face some tough choices.

 

[Conquistador]

Today I got myself into a good state. Tomorrow I’m going to spend the whole day taking care of things that need to be taken care of. Wednesday I’m back infield and attending an event. Thursday, two more events planned. Friday, who knows?

 

[Conquistador]

Met an older woman at one of the events. She gave me her business card and told me to come see her. Probably will do so next week.

In general I’m moving forward steadily but momentum is a struggle.

 

[Conquistador]

Met an older woman at one of the events. She gave me her business card and told me to come see her. Probably will do so next week.

Doing it tomorrow. Coming as I am. Can’t wait.

Either way, I’m gonna be writing a lot more in my other journal, because things are changing.

 

[Conquistador]

Doing it tomorrow. Coming as I am. Can’t wait.

…and then I stayed up most of the night and got little done the next day.

I’m making clear progress but I’m struggling with the amount of stress I’m under. Essentially to retain my sanity and tolerate the intolerable I long ago shut down certain responses. Once I try to have a normal schedule and task load I have to confront the fact that I’m not healthy (even physically—I’m doing all right bc young and strong but not in shape and not taking care of myself).

Something needs to change. And I’m confident that I can rise to the challenge.

But I’m struggling. And I accept how it is for now. I just need to find the right moment and the right motivation.

 

[Conquistador]

I confidently expect, though, that things will be at least somewhat better this time next week. And after that, I don’t think I’ll magically break through, but the situation is improving statically and also Swiffer is about to come back to LA for the foreseeable future.

 

[Conquistador]

I confidently expect, though, that things will be at least somewhat better this time next week. And after that, I don’t think I’ll magically break through, but the situation is improving

And so they have improved. But there’s much more to be done…
I need that conjunction of confidence, motivation, and energy/state. This coming week I’m going to focus on starting to get back into shape, starting with cardio and saving calisthenics/strength for later.
I also badly need to start some serious and disciplined stretching so I can undo the damage of the past year or so.
The main thing is to be active and take control of my destiny. After today, where I quelled a panic after some passing chest pains turned out to be almost certainly a strain/posture issue, I have a more visceral motivation than the ones that were already pulling me the right direction.
I need to regain my self-respect, and then I can grab the world by the labia.

 

[Conquistador]

I feel confident enough to map out a serious fitness program to recover from the past year, as well as a plan to get myself to the start line for my startup ambitions. A number of separate incidents today make me think the time for action is NOW.
I do need to figure out the realistic limits I can sustain, but hopefully within two months I’ll have a number of boosters that can make things happen more efficiently.
I’m determined that if I do make a big push, it’ll be this one that gets me to freedom and a whole new set of challenges.

 

[Conquistador]

Well, I’ve made a fair bit of progress this week, but not as much as I’d hoped. Next week I’m going to really start cracking, although I’m gonna delay some of the more demanding tasks and reforms to ensure I don’t crash and burn.

There were definitely some surprises. But I think I made something fall into place, and from here on I can throttle up gradually.

In just a week I’ll be winging with Swiffer again. He’s now finding himself in a similar position to myself and to my best bro in that most of our previous crowd is in school elsewhere or otherwise dispersed.

 

[Conquistador]

Major progress on independence as a result of an unexpected development. I might be able to move out over the winter with my best bro or Swiffer or both.

Also, internally, doing pretty well. I think when I get back infield I’ll be much improved by my time in the wilderness.

 

[Conquistador]

This coming week I now have no choice but to be awesome. Events have overtaken my previous plans to take major steps.

Worst case scenario, I burn out for a couple more weeks. So it’s heads, I win, tails, I lose barely anything. Pretty good odds.

 

[Conquistador]

I’ve bern exploring my motivation issues and become convinced that they’re no longer primarily because of anything going on mental health wise. No, it’s much more serious than that.

I have literally nothing enjoyable to work for in the short term. Medium term my goals are constantly becoming more thorough, more mature, more mapped out, but nothing I currently do brings me happiness as such in the short term.

There is one exception. When I work together with bros on things, or have real emotional conversations with them that aren’t purely cerebral or pragmatic, that actually feels good. I went shopping for durable supplies with my best bro last week, which felt very different from our usual discussions of politics, economics, CS, social commentary, theology, applied engineering, etc.

Walking and talking with Swiffer last night, I came to a clarity of purpose that I hadn’t had for a very long time. And despite my not being as in state right now, I still sense much of that clarity of purpose as I write this.

 

[Conquistador]

I’ve been gradually working on fixing my diet. Not pushing too hard too fast, but incrementally. Can see some results, but I want to achieve a lot more.

The main thing now preventing me from major progress is sleep schedule. I would like to be fully ready for a big push on Thursday. I think that’s somewhat doable.

I’m really quite sick of languishing at home, but I don’t have enough things to do that aren’t net inducers of additional stress.

 

[Conquistador]

Got a cold Tuesday soon after writing ^^ and it’s cramping my style. Plus I have to deal with my extended family all the way until New Year’s. On the plus side:

-I’ve got a clarity of purpose I haven’t had in a long time, and more importantly…
-My frame day to day is harder than it’s ever been in my life.
-I’ve managed to push away essentially all distractions and time wasters more comprehensively than in years.
-I’m more emotionally committed to steady progress in all areas since around the time I started this journal.
-While I’m not fully clear on the details of the next steps, I feel like I can handle whatever I need to do in order to get to the next phase.

About that…I’m not going to immediately try to break out and find a place. Instead, I’m going to try to become as independent as possible day to day and figure out the housing situation once I’m ready.

The obvious issue with this approach is that I can’t maintain a fully engaged routine indefinitely while stuck with my family. It’s just not sustainable at this point, no matter how much I improve myself.
So the key is to accumulate enough reserves and then build enough momentum to be able to get everything done with plenty of margin.
I think I can make it happen in the course of a couple months.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m in a good place. Today I’m working on stuff. Tomorrow I’m gonna do a lot more.
Been doing a lot of thinking about things and I can feel my intellectual and emotional growth by the day.

 

[Conquistador]

Progress continues. Wildcards and my failure to handle them have prevented acceleration, but I remain optimistic about the rest of the month.

 

[Conquistador]

Yesterday was glorious but tiring. I’m much more ready now to launch my business…but first I need to move out.

If I can get a fair bit of progress done this week I’ll be happy.

 

[Conquistador]

In terms of diet, I’m wondering whether my current diet is actually trapped at a local optimum and if so I can’t improve it without independence (just buying all my own food is impossible for storage reasons).

Either there’s been no strong correlation between diet and functioning, or the current state of things is better than any of the readily available options.

If so the only real improvement possible right now would be completely eliminating processed sugar, which I don’t believe would be a net benefit in the short term.

Adding more fruits and vegetables, while in general a good idea, doesn’t feel right atm.

This isn’t my final opinion, just my state of thought so far.

When I’m independent, I defo want to make major changes though.